Jul 11
25

The Therapy Ultimatum

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Requiring difficult people to go to therapy as a condition of continuing a relationship with you can make all the difference.

So, you’re trying to reduce your level of contact with someone who you think may not be that good for you, but they want to keep the relationship. They’re pulling you back in and bargaining with you even though they mistreat you, you’re feeling confused and guilty, and you’re even doubting your thoughts and feelings.

You know you want space, but every time they talk to you, your clear head goes out the window and you feel your confidence about what you want and need deteriorating. They may deny there’s anything wrong and try to convince you that everything’s fine, or worse — all your fault. They might be telling you how much they need you and making promises you’re not entirely sure they’ll keep.

You may also be getting told you shouldn’t feel the way you do, and you may be told everything’s fine – that the problem is all in your head, so stop acting crazy and go back to the old you. Despite the fact that this person wants a relationship with you, you’re not sure they’re capable of making an effort to resolve the issues you’re concerned about. They tell you they love you, but they don’t seem to be making your happiness a priority. And although you don’t want to give up on someone too easily, you’re just not sure how easy “too easily” is. You feel confused.

Enter the Magic Therapy Ultimatum…

In healthy relationships, if you have concerns about how someone treats you, the other party, whether family, partner or friend, cares enough to address them – period. Results may take a while; however, genuine effort will be made.

Toxic and problematic people do things like make false apologies and gaslight all the time. A quick and easy way to determine whether the person in question really wants a relationship with you is to tell them that if they want to continue the relationship, they will need work on the issue you’re concerned about in therapy. No therapy, no relationship – their choice. If you’re dealing with someone who is having challenges but is willing to work on them and isn’t lying when they say they care about you and want to keep their relationship with you, they’ll go. If not, your concerns were well-founded.

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Erasing Trauma with EMDR

Toxic Grandparents

Tags: bargaining, breakup, counseling, family, no contact, partner, psychotherapy, relationship, require, therapy, toxic, ultimatum

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Posted in Dealing With Toxic People Overcoming Exposure to Toxic People Psychology Therapy by Light 7 Comments

Barbara Taylor says:

February 2, 2012 at 2:16 pm

The problem with this, is if for some reason the toxic person gives in to therapy to show everyone how “willing” she is to work on the relationship, the toxic person will only use therapy to “prove” their “rightness”. They will not tell the truth, they will not tell the whole story, and it just reinforces in their mind how right they are. This can really put the non-toxic person in a worse place mentally. It is a form of gaslighting at its worst. A therapist (who doesn’t have the whole picture) reinforces the toxic person’s stance, leaving the non-toxic person to feel even crazier. I would know….I’ve been down this road with my mother. :)

Light says:

February 2, 2012 at 6:40 pm
Hi Barbara

Sounds like you didn’t get a good therapist, unfortunately. That’s too bad. A skilled therapist has guidelines in place that prevent toxic people from getting away with their manipulative games in the session by questioning and confronting them, requiring that they follow certain ground rules, etc. Sounds like you got a poor therapist. The good ones don’t allow toxic people to use therapy only to “prove their rightness”. They can have their say and make their case, of course, but they’re not allowed to continue on just blaming everyone else, for instance.

Shopping for a therapist is a skill unto itself, and is well worth learning how to do so you don’t get burned by a bad one. There’s some information about how to find a good skilled therapist here: http://lightshouse.org/lights-blog/how-to-find-the-right-therapist
aidiota says:

October 19, 2012 at 3:27 pm
I totally agree, Barbara! When I was married to my ex-h who was N, we went to several counselors and all of them reinforced the idea of how “misunderstood” and “mistreated” he was. By the time we finally went to a marriage counselor, she caught on because she had seen Narcissists and had a son who was one. She diagnosed my ex-h by proxy as NPD. FINALLY, I was validated! But it took YEARS~

Rob says:

May 1, 2012 at 10:47 pm

I spent 4 years in this kind of wasted therapy. My exwife did a good job of gaslighting. It was so bad, that an incident would happen, and when we discussed it in therapy – of course my version was not at all what happened. She would say things like “Oh my God – no wonder we are having so many problems, why he would think something so heinous of me – he thinks so ill of me, that must be the issue. We should work on his attitude towards me. I would never say something like that. I must admit, it is difficult to deal with Rob because I feel like I am always walking on eggshells. He is beyond sensitive.” I hate that I paid that therapist all that money and she never once said “I think we may have a character disorder.” She sucked. Dr. Flo Rosof of Huntington, NY. I highly DO NOT recommend.

Light says:

May 2, 2012 at 4:53 pm
Hi Rob — Sorry to hear that. That’s one of the biggest reasons I own this website. A surprising percentage of people believe their therapist dropped the ball when it came to identifying and addressing PDs, and public awareness needs a lot of raising.

If you’re ever in the market for a therapist again, insist on one that’s PD-literate by asking plenty of questions. To me, a therapist who doesn’t recognize or address a PD when s/he sees one is like a carpenter who doesn’t know which end of the hammer to use, because people with PDs are such a HUGE part of the reason so many people need a therapist in the first place.

Chewing Taffy says:

May 23, 2012 at 9:01 am

After years of agonizing over the distance between me and my dad, and his unwillingness to see me apart from his toxic wife, I did this. I asked him to therapy. My therapist connected with him via phone.

It didn’t work out the way I’d hoped. Instead of a closer relationship, I now have no relationship.

But at least I can stop agonizing over what to do next.

Light says:

May 23, 2012 at 10:40 am
Exactly! The therapy process (or someone’s refusal to take an honest, active part in it until the issue is resolved) makes 2 things abundantly clear in a very short time:

1. Are you really on the person’s list of people who truly matter to them, or is that belief actually wrong?
2. Are they mentally capable of having functional relationships, or will you be required to accept being devalued in order to know them?

Not a happy moment, I imagine — but I’d venture a guess that you don’t miss the confusion and frustration of a parent whose behavior is controlled by his toxic partner. If he couldn’t see that a relationship his own daughter is worth more than that, then you couldn’t have been getting treated very well or been too high on his list of priorities.

Thanks for sharing this.