Aug 11
1

Spending Time With Toxic People

Do you attend dysfunctional functions? Have friends you can’t rely on? Family who doesn’t value your many contributions?

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Well, who, really, is worthy of your time?

Nobody’s perfect. You make mistakes with family and friends — we all do. You may still be struggling with some dysfunctional patterns from upbringing, and you’re wondering when you’ll ever measure up to what you feel you should.

However, you always make your best effort, you stand by your friends and family, and you look at your behavior, even when it’s not-so-good. You are able to try recognizing things you need to change, and if you do something insensitive, you acknowledge it and make amends.

What about the other side of the equation, though? Are you receiving the same? Are you always the first to apologize or forgive? Usually the only one who acknowledges your part in a conflict? The only one trying to make things work?

But, enough about you…

Stop for a minute and think about someone else. Pick somebody you think needs a little looking at. Now check out this list of three key things to consider when evaluating relationships:

1. Do you feel consistently cared about by this person? Or are there times when you are left guessing, or scrambling to earn their good graces, or feeling “just not good enough” for them?

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2. Do they honestly acknowledge their responsibilities in disagreements? Can they genuinely apologize, without being made to?

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3. Do they sometimes view you as “competition”? Does it feel like they sometimes treat you as their enemy?

The above behaviors are most characteristic of the following 4 personality disorders:

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
Antisocial Personality Disorder (AsPD)
Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD)

With the exception of BPD, these disorders are not highly treatable, so it’s a good idea to look much more closely at the behaviors of any person for whom you answered yes on a question above — and carefully reconsider how much time you are spending in their presence.

Smear Campaigns, Part 2

Why Are Most Judgmental, Critical People So Critical and Judgmental?

What Does a Sociopath Look Like?

Tags: aspd, behavior, borderline, bpd, dysfunctional, family, friendship, hpd, identifying, narcissism, narcissistic, npd, personality disorder, recognizing, relationship, sociopath, spotting, toxic people

This entry was posted on August 1, 2011 at 11:22 am. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

Posted in Borderline Personality Disorder Histrionic Personality Disorder Narcissism Overcoming Exposure to Toxic People Psychology by Light 4 Comments

Kim Foy says:

February 18, 2012 at 9:56 am

Wow! Wow! Wow! I cannot thank you enough for your blog. I have been blamed for my unwillingness to repair a friendship (by my husband bc whole family are friends). I have been struggling try to understand why this friend could never ever take accountability/apologize & always has to be her way–until now!!!! I feel such a relief that my instincts were right. Thank you.

Light says:

February 18, 2012 at 4:01 pm
Hi Kim — so glad it’s helped. Based on your description, that absolutely isn’t the kind of person you have to keep on your island, no matter what anyone else may think. Good relationships do not involve one of the parties always having to have their way and refusing to apologize and own up to their mistakes, etc.

But I should add that even if she DID make an effort, you still could say no if you wanted to. Social relationships are always optional, never obligatory. Think how many people you don’t invite for coffee, don’t call up for a chat, don’t consider your friends…simply because you just don’t want to. It’s millions of people. Not everyone can have (or even deserves) a seat at your table. You set a place for your children (if any) and for people who are loving to you, and everyone else in the world gets their own dinner, whether it’s because you haven’t opted into a relationship — or you have opted out, based on what you consider to be bad table manners on their part.

Good for you for recognizing that’s not what you want, and for sticking to your convictions that it’s not okay for her to treat you like that — especially when others can’t see what you see. Give yourself credit for listening to your feelings and saying NO to a relationship with that kind of person. If she doesn’t treat you fairly, you have a right to decline. And if she wants to remain friends with you, she can make an effort; if she doesn’t make an effort, then it’s not your fault if you don’t want to be around her.

Blogger says:

February 27, 2012 at 3:22 pm

This is exactly what I’ve been through. I always felt like I was walking on egg shells. Support was on again off again. Jealousy. Competition. Things were said with a kind, and yet an aggressive edge or undertone. I was consistently left guessing, wondering, and feeling crappy when I got home. I stopped pursuing get togethers just because I didn’t feel good around the person. My mantra now, ‘Be around people who are kind to me.’ If someone is not kind, I let them go.

Light says:

March 4, 2012 at 9:08 pm
That’s an excellent affirmation. Nobody has to be anybody’s chew toy. Glad you moved on, and have made the decision to give your time to more considerate people.