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Apologizing to a Narcissist?

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Make it fast!

Narcissists always have to be right. This makes it your job to be wrong. The trouble is, you’re actually often not wrong.

This annoys the narcissist you know immensely.

The narcissist hopes and prays that you will make mistakes more often, and they can’t wait for you to have to admit it to them. They look forward to this day — The Day You Will Finally Have To Admit You Were Wrong — just like a little child waits in eager anticipation for his or her birthday. Like an addict craves a fix. This makes the thought of apologizing to a narcissist feel awful.

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                  What’s most likely to happen when you do apologize?

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Well, it’s not generally very good stuff…

Apologize to a non-narcissist, and you’ll probably be forgiven. Apologize to a narcissist, and the most likely result is smug, victorious expectations of more subservience, more apologizing from you, more admissions of inferiority and more demands to please the narcissist. These actions are all driven by their massive egos, and their egos must remain convinced the narcissist is superior.

You’ve finally admitted what they’ve wisely known since meeting you — you’re completely inferior to them. It took a long time to teach you this, so there’s no way they’re going to let the lesson go un-reinforced.

However, narcissists aren’t all carbon copies of one another, and the way one narcissist chooses to reinforce your “learning” may be different from the tactic another narcissist tries. But no matter the delivery or angle — the message is always the same:

You are right to be wrong, and should do it more often.

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Here are the most common ways most narcissists will respond to your apology:

The Dirty Laundry List

When you apologize, sometimes narcissists will launch into a list of all the other things you supposedly need to be extremely sorry about. Things you did last week, last month, last year…the list is long, and they are fuming. You are vastly and immensely wrong on a regular basis, and they’ve been such a good person, never bringing it all up!

But…now that you mention your shortcomings…come to think of it, while they have you, there are PLENTY of other things you need to get oh-so-very-sorry about! They figure they’ve gotten a few drops of blood out of you, so they feel encouraged — why not try for a gallon and see just how far down they can make you hang your head?

Smug and Smarmy Patronization

Oh, see now, isn’t it so much better when you just admit you’re an idiot and they know best? Things run so much more smoothly when you know your place, don’t they? You really should be commended for your eventual progress in understanding your limitations. You may receive a little “gift” of some kind as a reward for finally bowing down like a good underling. Good for you, little dumbo. You’ve at least finally learned to please.

Total Non-Acceptance

Well, now. They were just WAITING for the day when you FINALLY had the guts to approach them and discuss this UN-FOR-GIVE-A-BLE atrocity! They’ve been so incensed about this that they REFUSED – just REFUSED to be the first to speak! Why should THEY have to bring it up?! It’s unthinkable enough that you victimized them! They don’t know if they can EVER discuss this, really, much less forgive you. What you did to them is so beyond the pale! You should be permanently ashamed!

Who You? Who Cares!

Oh, did you have something to apologize for? Yes, well, any decent person would have addressed the issue long ago. Whatever. Never mind. They don’t need a cheap little late apology from you. The issue never bothered them anyway, since you never mattered, whatever your name was. They don’t need to address this anyhow, so just be gone and return them to the peaceful superiority you disturbed.

The Phony Acceptance

This one is usually delivered when the narcissist is in the company of someone they can’t have knowing they’re nasty. If the boss is nearby, or someone they’re trying to get a date with is standing there, you’re more likely to get a phony acceptance. Oh, they didn’t even remember that little incident. Why do you worry so much? They have no trouble with it at all! That’s okay! Relax…everything is fine. But it’s not; despite the jolly act, this person hasn’t genuinely changed one bit, and you’ll need to watch your back. You always did.

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If you must apologize to a narcissist:

Keep it as brief and breezy as possible, do it with others present if you can, and move on to another topic fairly quickly. If you can manage this, you’ll have a better chance of sidestepping more of the ugly and subversive backlash narcissists are known for. They may still try to do something as a payback, but you might actually manage to escape the toxic drama-trap, if even just for a while.

The overwhelming majority of narcissists do not change for the better, so think damage control and minimize discussion, keeping it as light and unemotional as possible. This will make it harder for them to twist things into a pity game or an attempt to make more trouble.

See the Narcissistic Parent Survival Kit Here!

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More about narcissists is available at our “All About Narcissists” page.

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People with OCPD gravitate toward certain professions and present specific challenges.

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People with OCPD are typically detail-oriented, perfectionistic, linear, frugal, and control-seeking.

The following are some examples of the kinds of fields and professions people with OCPD prefer:
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Engineering
Management
Law
Fiscal Director
Computer Sciences
Editing
Archivist
Inspector
Mathematics
Analysis
Military
Quality Control
Reparation and Restoration
Sciences/Research
Mechanical Inspection/Calibration
Historian
Critic
Data Control Positions
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People with OCPD have difficulty with seeing the big picture and difficulty being flexible. However, they are often able to tolerate working with the kind of minor details that others find mind-numbingly tedious.

Their challenges often lie in a limited ability to stop focusing only on details and zoom out to see the big picture, or the importance of the greater overall purpose of a task. Meeting deadlines is also a frequent problem for those with OCPD.

Those working with fellow employees or supervisors who have OCPD may experience constant criticism and disapproval. The work environment may be kept too tightly controlled, and perfectionism may permeate the workplace. New and creative approaches may not be welcome.

Another common difficulty for those with OCPD can be a tendency to collect and keep things that should be discarded or disregarded. Because of this, the work environment may be cluttered to the point of affecting productivity.

People with OCPD can be so controllingly slow-moving that coworkers may feel continually frustrated by the lack of openness and rapid flow of ideas and projects.
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Tips for coping with OCPD workers:

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Minimize sharing of projects that include deadlines, so that workers are not frustrated by feeling responsible for the often-slower work of OCPD employees

Encourage the clear delineation of tasks so that OCPD workers do not impede others’ workflow with unreasonable standards, etc.
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Clearly communicate if/when details are not to be carefully addressed

Emphasize/discuss the end goal and its timely completion as a specific standard of employee performance

Emphasize/discuss refraining from excessive criticism as a specific standard of employee performance
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Emphasize/discuss flexibility as a specific standard of employee performance
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Stress priorities — OCPD workers are often workaholics. Where possible, encourage them to finish the essentials first, and only then fill in details with extra work
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OCPD workers are conscientious and productive if the challenges of the disorder can be overcome.

Join us next time — we’re discussing C-PTSD (Complex PTSD)

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What are the differences between a psychologist and a psychiatrist?

Psychologists and psychiatrists treat many of the same things, but there are differences between what a typical psychologist and a typical psychiatrist does, and the methods of treatment are usually different.
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Psychiatrists (MD)

A psychiatrist is a medical doctor, just like your primary care doctor, a cardiologist, or your child’s pediatrician.

Like all doctors, psychiatrists have been thoroughly trained in the workings of the human body, all its vital organs, viruses and diseases such as diabetes and cancer. They have spent time taking temperatures, suturing wounds, and reading lab results.

At some point after completing medical school, they chose to get more education and specialize in psychiatry, the same way MDs can choose training to specialize in neurology, obstetrics, podiatry, or many other fields.

Once their training and requirements in psychiatry are completed, they treat patients for psychiatric disorders such as depression, anxiety, psychosis and schizophrenia.

A psychiatrist is able to prescribe medications such as antidepressants, anti-psychotics, and anti-anxiety medications. While most psychiatrists do speak to their patients about how they’re feeling, most of the time spent seeing most psychiatrists is focused on the prescribing and adjustment of medications.

Psychiatrists will ensure that their patients are good candidates for the medications they prescribe, and once the patient begins taking the medications, the psychiatrist will monitor their progress and safety and address any dosage issues and side effects regularly. This is called a med consult.

Psychiatrists are also able to write prescriptions for medications that are not for psychiatric conditions, because a psychiatrist is first and foremost a medical doctor. However, this isn’t commonly done, because generally, patients with physical conditions see another doctor to handle those.

Most psychiatrists treat many biochemically-based disorders that many psychologists do not necessarily treat.

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Clinical Psychologists (PhD or PsyD)

Clinical psychologists have a doctoral degree in psychology.

Many clinical psychologists work with people in therapy to address issues such as depression, anxiety, family issues, mental disorders, life transitions and difficult issues such as death, divorce and trauma.

Most psychologists see their patients about once a week, sometimes less or more, as needed. With the exception of a few specially-trained psychologists, they do not prescribe medication; however, psychologists are well-familiarized with the medications typically prescribed and how they affect the brain and behavior.

Clinical psychologists have varied backgrounds and apply different schools of thought and different approaches to treatment.

Some clinical psychologists provide short-term therapy for discrete or minor issues. An example of one discipline used in this way is cognitive-behavioral therapy.

Some psychologists are highly psychoanalytical, and focus on delving into your unconscious thought processes and childhood, as Sigmund Freud did.

Humanistic psychologists believe their patients already know the answers to their problems, and just need to talk and think about them.

Clinical psychologists vary greatly in their approaches and styles, and finding the right therapist whose approach feels right to you is important.

Most clinical psychologists treat many relationship-based or personal matters that most psychiatrists do not necessarily treat.

Combined and Complementary Treatment

Many people see a psychologist weekly for therapy sessions and a psychiatrist (less frequently) to check on their medication. The psychologist and psychiatrist may work together to ensure the best overall plan for the person being treated.
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RELATED LINKS:

List of all the Different Psychology Disciplines
Psychiatry

Join us next time — we’ll be talking about OCPD people at work.

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The 10 Most Dysfunctional Things Ever Uttered

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They don’t get worse than these — the ten comments that signify the very most dysfunction possible.

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In no particular order:

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1. “I did nothing wrong. You’re just oversensitive.”

It’s not that there aren’t people in the world who are highly sensitive. It’s just that even if the person being spoken to were oversensitive, this comment is only going to make them feel much worse! It offers no help, and only rubs salt in the wound.

It is a critical statement of low empathy — there’s no effort to truly understand the other person’s feelings or to consider that maybe the speaker could possibly have done even one small thing a little more considerately to try helping matters.

In addition, it’s most often said by people who are not actually dealing with someone who’s “too sensitive”, but instead, someone who is actually expressing normal dismay about a valid concern.
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2. “That’s just the way it is.”

While it’s true there’s no point denying that the sky has always been blue and grass will be forever green, making the above comment in order to shut down someone’s concerns or curiosity about a given situation is a different matter.

Such a comment displays a high level of dysfunctionality, typically related to disempowerment, denial, defensiveness, closed-mindedness and attempts at control of others.

Inflexibility and difficulty with change is common in the personality disorder called OCPD, and in autism spectrum disorders.

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3. “Why can’t you be more like so-and-so?”

Trying to tell someone to be more like someone else is self-centered. If you’re dealing with a person who is self-important enough to think that other people should conform to their personal preferences (and need only be asked to do so) you’re likely dealing with someone characteristically narcissistic.

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4. “I’m sorry you feel that way/I’m sorry if you…/I’m sorry, but…”

If a person cannot say, “I’m sorry I did that/I’m sorry I hurt you/I’m sorry I was wrong”, and dodges emotional responsibility with the kind of fake apologies and substitutions above, there’s a problem.

Healthy relationships require genuine apologies that are the result of empathy. Inability to truly sense other people’s feelings is at the root of an incredible amount of dysfunction, and unwillingness to admit mistakes is highly dysfunctional behavior.

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5. “You always/You never…”

It’s unlikely the person NEVER or ALWAYS does whatever is complained about. It’s more likely it happens a lot. Or, it happens too often for the person’s liking.

Saying “always” or “never” when complaining about someone’s behavior makes them feel as if you aren’t trying to resolve the matter with them — you’re trying to condemn them.

When people have difficult issues they wish they didn’t struggle with, and they’re making very little progress on them, it’s very painful to be told by someone they care about that they “always” or “never” do something. It causes them to lose hope, and more importantly, it causes them to lose hope that you are on their side against the difficulty, and that you do believe in them and see their hard-earned minor improvements.

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6. “You’re not smart enough to do that/you’ll never amount to anything/you’re an idiot.”

This one needs no explanation. It’s just abusive, plain and simple. If this has been said to you, remember, it’s projection — people who say this have a tremendous fear that they themselves are the “stupid” one.

Everyone has something to offer. Everyone is good at something, and a comment like this is nothing but a reflection of the speaker’s own insecurities and fears. Typically, abusive people will pick the moment of a mistake to utter this, but everyone makes mistakes, including the person saying it, and their comment means nothing about the listener. People are not their mistakes, and are not necessarily what other people say they are. 

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7. “I told you so.”

All people have a right to make their own choices, and to disagree with others. People who tell other people what’s supposedly best and then pounce on them if their alternate choice doesn’t work are seeking to gain future control of the independent person by shaming them. Shame fuels dysfunction, and should not be accepted.

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8. “You are ‘choosing’ to feel bad about the upsetting thing I did or said.”

This is highly invalidating. The person who says this is not making any effort to empathize, is refusing to take responsibility for the impact of their behavior on others, and is trying to blame the person they have hurt.

Feelings aren’t even processed in the same area of the brain as thoughts. If someone threatens you, you will feel fear. You’re not “choosing” fear; fear is an immediate, natural and healthy response to being in a threatening situation. If someone you love dies, you will feel sad. You are not “choosing” to feel sad about their death. Sadness is a normal, healthy response to the loss of someone. If your sibling, partner or other person you are close to says something insensitive or cruel, you will feel hurt. You’re not “choosing” to feel hurt; it is a natural and healthy response to unkindness.

Telling someone who feels hurt that they have “chosen” to feel hurt is generally a way of avoiding responsibility by making the hurt person retreat in shame that they have done “wrong”. They’re supposed to “choose” properly by letting the person who hurt them off the hook, and instead, focusing on their own “bad choices”.

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9. “You wouldn’t understand”.

This kind of dismissiveness and condescension is seen in people who harbor the belief that they are superior and should ideally be the one in control, because of their supposed superiority. The arrogance of such a statement is more than rude and devaluing — it indicates that the person’s intention is to shut you out and shut you down so they can propagate the perception that they are “better” than you.

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10. “What they don’t know can’t hurt them.”

If a person hasn’t found out that their spouse is cheating, or that somebody took advantage of them in some way they haven’t realized, it’s true that they won’t feel hurt.

But… the person who says this is a cheater; the person who says this is taking advantage. It’s wise to steer clear of people like this, because they care much more about themselves than other people, and they lack integrity. This is highly characteristic of mentally disordered thinking, and the person who says it will most likely one day be the person who takes advantage of you, too. The presence of a good conscience doesn’t depend on circumstances or individuals present.

If there’s no conscience nagging at them when they take advantage of someone other than you, there will be no conscience nagging at them when it’s your turn to be the one in their way.
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Join us next time — we’ll be discussing the differences between a psychologist and a psychiatrist.

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Some grandparents really shouldn’t be allowed access to their grandchildren.

A percentage of the general population is dysfunctional and/or abusive. That percentage, like everyone else, has children. Then those children grow and have children of their own. The not-so-loving grandparents expect to have a relationship with their grandchildren. The only problem is, they’re not good grandparents.

Many adult children of toxic parents feel torn between their parents’ (and society’s) expectation that grandparents will have access to their grandkids, and their own unfortunate firsthand knowledge that their parents are emotionally/physically/sexually abusive, or just plain too difficult to have any kind of healthy relationship with.

The children’s parents may allow the grandparents to begin a relationship with their children, hoping that things will be different this time, that their parents have really changed, and that their children will be emotionally and physically safer than they themselves were.

Unfortunately, this is rarely the case, because most abusive people have mental disorders of one kind or another, and many of these disorders are lifelong and not highly treatable. (Others are lifelong and treatable; however, many people never seek the necessary help.)

The well-intentioned parent ends up feeling mortified for having done more harm than good by hoping things would somehow be different — instead of having a child who simply never knew their grandparents and who was never mistreated, they have an abused child who is now also being torn apart by the grief involved in having to sever a lifelong relationship with the unhealthy people they are very attached to.
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If your parents were not good parents and you are considering whether or not to allow a relationship with your children, consider the following factors, as well as others, before deciding:

• Have they fully addressed their issues in SKILLED long-term therapy? (A few weeks or months is nowhere near adequate if your parents regularly mistreated you).
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• Have they been treated for all the root causes of their dysfunction or abuse?
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• Have they sincerely apologized and made amends for the hurtful things they did? Not just said, “I’m sorry”, but really talked it all through with you over many hours’ time?
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• Are they very different people to you from the ones you remember?
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• Do you currently have a healthy, functional and stable relationship with them?
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• Do they respect your choices and boundaries as a parent? Do they follow your requests about how you want your children to be treated and to behave?
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• Would you recommend your parents to your best friend as babysitters without any hesitation or worry, and feel comfortable giving your word that they’d never harm your friend’s child, without any doubt?
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• Have you worked through all of your feelings about the mistreatment you experienced through your parents?

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These are just a few of the important questions to answer. The best plan is to work through the matter with a therapist of your own, who has no bias toward trying to “keep families together” despite the presence of mistreatment.
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TWO IMPORTANT NOTES:

If you are “no contact” with your parents, it is important to keep in mind that if they are too toxic for you, they are FAR too toxic for your vulnerable and defenseless children.

In the U.S., there is no such thing as “Grandparent’s Rights”. Grandparents may certainly TRY to get access, but fit parents may always deny it. This is a supreme court ruling, so there can be no exceptions made to this rule in any of our 50 states. (See more below.)

If you are in doubt about making a choice, it’s best not to rely on family and friends to advise you. Seek professional help.

And remember, it’s always much easier to change your mind after deciding not to allow contact than is to change your mind after allowing it.

If your parents were not good parents, err on the side of caution, and if at all in doubt, say no. Your child is counting on you.

Join us Friday. We’ll be discussing the top 10 dysfunctional comments people make.

* “The custody, care and nurture of the child reside first in the parents, whose primary function and freedom include preparation for obligations the state can neither supply nor hinder. A law that allows anyone to petition a court for child visitation rights over parental objections unconstitutionally infringes on parents’ fundamental right to rear their children.” ~ Supreme Court Case, Troxel vs. Granville, Year 2000

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Blaming parents for our own actions isn’t healthy.

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But acknowledging their accountability for hurting us is essential to the healing process.

We’ve all met a few people who don’t like to accept responsibility for things.

These are habitual blamers who would rather make someone else look like the root cause of a problem than admit they were the ones at fault and work to make things right.They play the blame game so they can sit back and make everyone else – their coworkers, their children, their spouse – appear to be the actual problem.

This is convenient, because it deflects all the attention off their bad behavior and onto everyone else, so they can escape responsibility and genuine effort at improvement. (Narcissists and sociopaths are the most highly skilled at this manipulation tactic, and will hide behind their wall of psychological smoke and mirrors while everybody else suffers the effects of the damage they do.) They never accept responsibility or accountability, and much of their behavior is designed to make that possible.

Blamers are escape artists who teach their children that they as the parent are not responsible for the problems they cause. Recognizing that mom or dad is mean or uncaring or unfair is not ever allowed. Their children must obey the unwritten law — everything THIS parent does is okay, and none of the hurtful things they do are to be acknowledged as wrong or ever questioned. Don’t look, don’t notice, don’t complain, and don’t get in the way.

Get those rules wrong, and you bet there will be some ugly consequences until you get them right.

One of the first steps in beginning the mountain of necessary work facing adult children of any kind of toxic parent is recognizing that it is now safe, and healthy, and necessary, to take proper stock of all the damage that has occurred and its full impact, and reach clarity about who is (or who should have been) held responsible for and accountable for the emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, abandonment, control and neglect. Until that is done, true healing cannot even begin.

Some people attempt to shortcut the process by skipping the step of taking inventory of who was responsible for which misdeeds and trying push themselves into fast-forwarding forgiveness. Adult children of toxic parents who are new to the healing process may be given advice such as, “stop blaming your parents for everything” when in fact, the reality is, the adult child is likely just beginning to allow themselves to truly take stock of what was wrong and accept how it has negatively impacted them for the very first time in their life.

This is because it was never safe to do so in the past, and there is a lot of catching up to do about allowing those important recognitions to come to light so they can be processed and finally moved beyond.

Adult children have to eventually accept that as a child, their mistreatment was not at all their fault, as mistreated and abused children are so often told. And in order to legitimately reach that position of accepting their innocence, they must first fully acknowledge whose responsibility it actually WAS. This means looking at each experience and placing accountability squarely on the shoulders of the adult who actually did do the damage — despite an entire childhood of being taught that holding the adult accountable was never allowed. In fact, it’s necessary primarily because of an entire childhood of being told it was never allowed.

Resisting the process with shortcuts and denials of steps that must be completed can be an excellent indicator of how much distance down the healing path has yet to be covered. Denial that there must first be full acknowledgment of wrongdoing and a grieving process is generally an indicator that there is farther to go, because that denial was imparted to the child by the toxic parent to benefit the toxic parent.

Until the denial that the parent is the one responsible for the hurt they caused is broken through, the healing work cannot begin, and the adult child is still dancing to their toxic parent’s tune.

Join us next time — we’ll be discussing toxic grandparents.

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Being “too nice” gets you the worst friends.

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Here’s how to attract better ones.

This is part 2 in a series. Part one is here.

Now that you know that not asking enough gets you awful “friends” who will bail out on you when you most need them, let’s look at how to attract better…

First, you have to start becoming comfortable with the concept of accepting more — as much more as you give. Accepting more help, accepting more compliments, accepting legitimate concern about you, and accepting more generosity is the key to cultivating better friendships. This is what mentally healthy people take part in all the time — support and concern for each other based on mutual trust.

Self-centered people like to THINK they care about others, and will often make enough token effort to convince themselves (and you) that they care, but their behavior is actually very different from people who truly do.

It will sound odd to the ears of anyone raised in a reasonably functional home, but for adult children of dysfunctional families, getting “used to” relationships with people who like to be more generous and thoughtful is an exercise in tolerance, at first.

Next, you will have to replace your old standby refusals like, “No, thanks, that’s all right, don’t worry; you don’t have to help…” with phrases like, “Thank you, yes, I really appreciate your help”, and “That would be great — thank you so much.” and “That’s so thoughtful. I’ll let you know if I can use a hand”.

If you don’t make this fundamental change, you’re going to keep sending “go away” signals to people who enjoy helping others, and they’re going to stay right where they always have been — outside your life. People who like to cooperate, assist, support, reciprocate and be generous will move along to greener pastures if you push their offers away. Start accepting their offers instead, and then do what you have always done — reciprocate when the time comes. That’s friendship.

Keep saying no all the time, and you’re going to get the people who have little to offer and want friends who don’t ask for anything. Say yes, and you’ll start getting involved with the givers. It’s THAT simple.

If you want really good friends who will return as much as you offer, you will have to become accustomed to more sensitivity, generosity and thoughtfulness, and it will feel foreign at first, even awkward. But in the past, every time you winced or flinched in shame and fear when someone empathic and generous offered you something good, they saw your discomfort, and they gave you the space it seemed you were so desperate for, leaving you with the people who just love it when you give your friendship away for free.

You will feel discomfort as old fears are ignored in favor of new behavior patterns. You may feel a bit like a fish out of water, but simply allowing people to help you and letting the awkward feelings pass will show you, friend by friend, that there is nothing to fear, and everything to gain.

Join us next time. We’re talking about blame vs. accountability.

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Why accepting too little from others is a very bad thing…

PART 1 of 2

If you were raised dysfunctionally, you were taught that “Being nice” or being a “good” person meant not needing or taking “too much” from anyone.

Your dysfunctional parents couldn’t handle your legitimate needs. You learned that if you didn’t ask for or need anything, your parent or parents would be somewhat happier and easier to get along with. You learned to stay out of the way and pretend you didn’t need what your parents couldn’t give.

Overall, you internalized the message that “needless” = “good”, and quickly learned to deny your needs and wishes. It made things go a small amount more smoothly at times.
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Old Habits Die Hard

But now you’re an adult, and you’re uncomfortable accepting a normal amount help and generosity. A normal amount of help and generosity seems unthinkably shameful and greedy to you, and you’re worried that if you accept support it makes you a pain, and the person will like you less, secretly resent you, or expect a big unreasonable payback from you.

You probably say things like, “Oh, no, thank you, don’t worry about me, I’m fine. Don’t go out of your way…you don’t have to do that for me…” And you think that saying that is protecting you from unpopularity and helping you get accepted, because it makes you easy to tolerate.
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At Great Cost…

It won’t hurt you if you turn down people’s offers of help, will it? What’s the big deal? Things might be a little trickier that way, but nobody will ever complain you take too much. And you can always be proud that you do just about everything yourself, even if it makes you suffer through having to do everything the hard way.

Well, here’s the problem with it; I have seen it countless times among the adult children of dysfunctional families I work with, and I experienced it myself as well –

When you don’t ask for enough, you repel the best friends and you attract the worst ones.

If you do the things above, you are probably surrounded by many people who are not capable of helping you out the way you would help them.

The weird part is, you probably don’t even realize it, because they haven’t been tested with something big enough, and you are ASSUMING that if a big enough tragedy struck you, these people would be there for you. They would care. They would make you pots of chicken soup and babysit your children and go the distance for you if ever needed them desperately. Because they know that’s what you’d unfailingly do for them, of course.
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Assumptions, Assumptions

But hold on a second — you’re the one who never troubles them. You’re the one who usually gives more than you get. You’re the one they like because you’re so “easy” to know. You don’t make requests, much less demands. You’ve been a piece of cake — a free ride.

And what kind of person really wants the kind of friend who makes sure a person never has to go out of their way too much?

A lame friend, that’s who. A self-centered, uncaring, unempathic, fair-weather friend. They just LOVE people who never ask for things, because they don’t like giving much, and they like to get more than they give!
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When It All Falls Down

You may doubt what you’re reading, but here’s when you’ll find out what’s wrong with not asking enough from others…

…when you are at your absolute lowest moment in life and most desperately need the support of others these people you haven’t asked enough from are the ones who will shame, dump, and even smear you.

Fine time for someone to start treating you like garbage, right? But that’s when their true colors will come right through — when suddenly, they have to make a significant effort to stand by you. Because they won’t do it, and they never planned to have to.

All of a sudden, they’ll be telling you that you’re just too high-maintenance, and they’re too busy, too overwhelmed, or too important to support you. They’ll criticize and reject you, and they’ll try to make you feel like you’re just impossible to live with. The truth is, they’re suddenly not getting more than they give, and that’s just not acceptable to them. You have to go back to being their nice, easy friend who never asks anything of them, or you’ve got to go.

You’ll be shocked and horrified, you won’t believe what they’ll do, and you’ll wonder what is so wrong with the world that in your time of deepest need or pain, there is yet another awful realization heaped on your shoulders — your “friend” has no empathy and doesn’t like to give.

You Hold The Key

That’s what happens when you tell people “not to bother” when they want to help you. The wrong kind of people hang around you and buddy up, and these people become your friends.

In the meantime, generous people who love to give will pick up on your signs that receiving makes you uncomfortable, and out of concern for your feelings and a wish to truly give, they will spend their time on others who joyfully accept what they offer.

Click here for part 2: How to attract the generous people and repel the insensitive ones, instead of the other way around.

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RELATED LINKS:

How to Say No

Try Someone Else, how to stay out of the scapegoat role, the doormat role, the sucker role and the unappreciated role.

You are reading Light’s Blog. The rest of Light’s House is here.

Related Posts:

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Black-and-white thinkers can be rigid, intolerant, frustrating, and even toxic.

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The world of relationships is full-color, including every shade of gray. Every person is unique, with his or her own interests, quirks and personal preferences about the way things are done.

But black-and-white thinkers have a kind of metaphorical color-blindness. They don’t see the value of the subtle differences most people recognize as important, even crucial to understanding and functionality.

Black-and-white thinkers are not flexible, open to change, easy-going or highly cooperative, and their ability to compromise – an important skill in relationships – is low.

In terms of hoping for more open-minded thinking, don’t expect a miracle when dealing with the majority of black-and-white thinkers. Many of the disorders that make a person prone to this kind of thinking are not highly treatable, so depending on the cause, the difficult person you’re dealing with may not be especially able to change their behavior.
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Black-and-white thinking is common in people with obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, and in individuals with autism spectrum disorder.

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Ranking the disorders in terms of how they each respond to treatment, the most treatable is borderline personality disorder, followed by obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, then narcissistic personality disorder (which is not highly treatable) and finally autism spectrum disorder, which provides the very lowest response to any attempts at treatment (many would say none).
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Black-and-white thinkers may:

• Be rigid and stubborn
• Have difficulty seeing the value in viewpoints other than their own
• Have difficulty empathizing properly
• Be controlling and rejecting
• May be impossible to please
• Be sticklers about details
• Have all-or-nothing tendencies
• Think their way is the only acceptable way
• Dislike changes in plans
• Not like sharing power
• Hold jobs for which control and/or details are a central theme, such as management or engineering
• See everything as either all-good or all-bad
• Have little to no creativity
• Overvalue past patterns, procedures, obedience and traditions
• Have tremendous difficulty letting go
• Be demanding and fault-finding

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While autism spectrum disorders do not make people toxic, many of the other disorders – the personality disorders listed – definitely can.

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (This is not the same as OCD).
Too detail-oriented, Perfectionistic, Doesn’t Delegate, Keeps Old Items, Rigid and Closed-Minded.

Borderline Personality Disorder
Unstable & angry, fears abandonment, self-harm, suicidality, feels empty, “splitting” (a form of  black/white thinking).

Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Self-centered, critical, demands admiration, unempathic, entitled, arrogant and egotistical, envious, grandiose.
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Join us next time — we’re talking about what happens when you don’t ask for enough from others.

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Narcissistic supply — it’s number one on the list of a narcissist’s “must-haves”.

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Simply put, narcissistic supply is anything (or anyone) that feeds the narcissist’s ego and keeps them artificially pumped up with the attention, admiration and deference of others.

Narcissists have been described as people who are like balloons that are not completely filled. In order to fill in the void, they must draw from the energy of other people, because they cannot produce the energy themselves.

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Narcissists require the energy of others to inflate themselves.

Narcissists need attention (and sometimes pity) and want complete agreement with their wishes. They ignore or oppose people who refuse to supply them with these things, and they turn their attention instead to those who can offer these three things in unlimited supply. This is what’s at the heart of narcissistic supply.

If you come into contact with a narcissist and assume they are well-adjusted, you may compliment them at times and pay them a normal amount of friendly attention. They will then identify you as a potential source of narcissistic supply, and proceed with the game of seeing just how much more they can get from you.

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Favored sources of supply…

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Some people, such as people with low self-esteem and low assertiveness, provide much more supply than others, and make excellent sources, sometimes finding they have unwittingly attracted more than one narcissist into their life because they are too kind, too soft, and too deferential.

Narcissists, always on the prowl, see the free lunch before them and stick around for more — unless and until they find someone even weaker to feed on. Young children make excellent sources of supply, and some narcissists find it fun to get supply from them. (Others hate children for having needs too much to get their supply from kids.)

The narcissist’s constant fishing for attention/compliments, perhaps for pity, and for deference to their wishes will continue and keep increasing as long as the person they are feeding on does not oppose too strongly or too resolutely.

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If you refuse…

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Typically, at some point sooner or later, the person being used as a source of narcissistic supply will recognize that the narcissist is asking a lot more than they are actually offering in return, and will start to resist. When they start to resist, the narcissist will become displeased, and attempt to manipulate, tantrum or wheedle their way back into feeding position.

Depending on the narcissist, the resistance can take on any number of forms. However, the narcissist will attempt to do whatever they think will work best on the person they are targeting, and will be generally unrelenting in their efforts to get the supply back or at least to emotionally punish the person who is withholding it.

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Discarding

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At times, narcissists will grow tired of someone they have been using as a source of narcissistic supply and will toss them away like an old shoe as they opt for someone newer and less wise to their ways. Many a partner of a narcissist has watched in helpless dismay as the narcissist they have had a relationship with rides off into the sunset with a brand new fool. (This is called “discarding“.)

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Avoid being targeted — don’t offer supply!

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To avoid becoming a target of a narcissist’s attempts to use you for supply, limit your contact with them, set firm boundaries, ask for reciprocity, don’t flatter them, don’t say yes too often, and remember — an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Turn down invitations from people who seem to need your praise, attention, pity or obedience.

Is Your Parent Narcissistic?
See the Survival Kit Here!

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Join us next time — we’ll be discussing black-and-white thinkers.

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Personality disorders are a prime cause of interpersonal conflicts.
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Here’s how to spot the telltale behaviors that typically indicate their presence.

To spot and identify a personality disorder:

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Once you notice that there is something wrong with the way a person relates to others, ask yourself if the problematic behavior is primarily about the fact that the person:
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A. Is odd/out of touch; their actions are really weird (or paranoid).

B. Upsets/hurts others. They create conflict or unhappiness.

C. Is irrationally fearful or anxiously controlling. They’re uptight/nervous.
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If you choose A, the person may have a “Cluster A” personality disorder.

If you choose B, they may have a “Cluster B” personality disorder.

If you choose C, they may have a “Cluster C” personality disorder.

Next, click here and look over each disorder listed in the cluster that you chose. 

If you identify them as having the minimum number of traits required, then you’ve probably solved your puzzle. (FYI: Some people do have just a couple of traits).

Are you a psychologist? No. Is this an official diagnosis or a perfect science? Of course not. No doubt, there will be some mistakes in your layperson’s venture into psychology.

But you’ve likely pinned it down fairly decently, and that can make your search for information about what to do much more effective.

Join us Friday — we’ll be discussing “narcissistic supply”. 

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There’s a name for parents who are over-involved and attempt to control their children’s every experience…helicopter parents.

Helicopter parents are over-involved with their children and don’t give them an opportunity to accomplish things on their own. They push their children into achievement, and they may also push those whose job it is to work with their children, becoming a thorn in the side of everyone involved.

School and extra-curricular activities are the usual places where helicopter parents’ bad boundaries with their children show up. Whether it’s sporting activities, band, drama club (stage parents) or academics, these parents have unbelievably high expectations of their children, whom they simultaneously expect much of, and yet infantilize.

When these parents perceive that the teachers, coaches and instructors involved with their children aren’t doing enough to make things easy and ideal for their kids, they meddle in the affairs of those directing the activities, making excessive phone calls, sending emails and pestering the powers that be until their child is given the preferential treatment they feel they deserve.

Typically, this is expressed as concern over their child’s achievement. Many helicopter parents have traits of OCPD and/or narcissistic personality disorders.  Narcissists must have the very best, and those with OCPD have a strong need to control, and are not flexible.

More about these disorders is available below.

Join us next time — we’ll be discussing how to spot personality disorders — all of them!

RELATED LINKS
The OCPD Parent

All About Narcissists

You are reading Light’s Blog. The rest of Light’s House is here. 

Child Custody Made Simple – Most effective custody tools, ordered by courts in over 35 states

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Drama Queen? Pity Tripper? Martyr? Attention grabber? Adulterer? Diva? Victim-player? Tragic? High maintenance?

Histrionic personality.

You may not realize it, but you do already know somebody who has histrionic personality traits…

Just close your eyes and think of someone who is impossible to deal with because they’re always making a big deal over nothing. Whatever it is you have, they have it worse!

Most people call them drama queens, but the clinical term used to describe such behavior is histrionic. People who engage in enough different types of histrionic behavior may be diagnosable with Histrionic Personality Disorder.

If you know someone who is difficult, plays the victim, talks a lot, is inappropriate, craves approval, is always crying wolf, is a hypochondriac or an attention-seeker, it’s a good idea to have a look over the official list of HPD traits to see if they have five traits. Because if they do, it’s not just your garden variety high-maintenance drama queen; it’s actually HPD.

Histrionic Personality Disorder is the least well-known of all four high-conflict personality disorders, but it causes no less trouble than the other three.

People with HPD can be draining and impossible to deal with.

Histrionic people are difficult to trust, tricky to get along with, and have little genuine or meaningful interest in others. Their constant theatrics and problem-causing can drive those around them absolutely crazy.

More information about HPD is available at Light’s House All About HPD page, and at the links below.

RELATED LINKS:

Histrionic Personality Disorder, wikipedia

Histrionic Personality Disorder, Psychology Wiki

Join us next time — we’re discussing “Helicopter Parents”.

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Most people don’t know how to find the right therapist.

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But knowing how means the difference between feeling better…and feeling worse.

Too many people are under the impression that “a therapist is a therapist”, and that just showing up at a psychologist or therapist’s office means they’ll now be working with that person every week, no matter how they feel about it.

They get somebody’s number from somewhere – a friend, their doctor, or a directory, they call to make an appointment, and they assume they’ve now begun therapy.

They haven’t.

Choosing a therapist is just like shopping for anything else you pay for. You want to be sure that the item fits you, that it is worth the asking price, that it offers what you need, and most importantly, that you actually LIKE it.

Unfortunately, many people put more critical thinking into how they choose a cheap pack of socks than they do a therapist — and then they wonder why therapy fails. Here’s how to find the right therapist for you:
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Know what their credentials are
and what the credentials mean

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This cannot be stressed enough. There is an absolutely massive difference between a social worker and a psychiatrist. Before working with anyone, look up the letters that follow their name using a chart like this one.
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Interview them by phone before
deciding if you’re going to meet

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Jot down your questions. Some important ones to ask are:

• How long have they been a therapist? Have they worked with many people who have your problem?

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• What type of therapy do they do? Is it psychotherapy? Cognitive-behavioral therapy? Psychoanalysis? Gestalt Therapy EMDR? When they tell you, write it down. Later, you can search for more information about the pros and cons of that style.

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Do not bother with an appointment
if you don’t like them on the phone

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It’s very important to follow your gut feelings. If you didn’t “click” very well on the phone, don’t expect it to be any better in person. Once the two of you have chatted a while, tell them you’re just making a few calls, and that you’ll ring them again if you’re thinking of coming in. If you liked them on the phone, you can make an appointment for an in-person chat. You shouldn’t feel pushed into doing this, and the therapist shouldn’t assume you will be coming in. It’s up to you, and unless you’ve said you will, the therapist should only ask.

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The in-person interview

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If you do like them enough to come in and meet them in person, make an appointment. (This first appointment is not therapy; it’s simply an interview to see if the two of you feel comfortable in person and for you and the therapist to ask each other a few more questions.)

Of course, you will be talking about your problems somewhat, and you may feel upset, and that’s perfectly fine; in fact, therapists expect that to happen quite often. But the overall purpose is for the two of you to check each other out a little more and see if maybe you would like to try a few sessions. You might want to try a few, and you might not. The therapist should never assume or expect you to be coming in again.

By the end of the session, the therapist should talk with you about their availability and whether or not you might like to come in a couple more times or perhaps visit some other therapists and take their card with you instead, just for future consideration. At no time should you feel the therapist is operating on an assumption that you will be working together or pressing you for another appointment. If you are interested, many good therapists will plan to see you 3 times before any firm decisions are made at all.

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How you should feel when you are at their office

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If the therapist’s credentials are good and they offer the kind of therapy you want, then the most important thing is very simple:

Do you like them?

You don’t have to justify your feelings. Maybe you felt uncomfortable with the way they carried themselves, or they said something that made you feel awkward and didn’t seem to notice that it made you feel squirmy. Maybe you felt judged or unheard. But maybe you don’t have a clue why you don’t want to see them, and that’s a completely valid issue. Don’t second-guess it; just move along to the next prospect.

The purpose of therapy isn’t to force yourself into situations that feel wrong.

Among other things, the right therapist will make you feel:

Validated
Safe
Heard
Comfortable
Understood
Connected
Occasionally challenged, but never threatened
Seen for who you are

Finding the right therapist may take a while, but is very worth the bit of extra effort. You’ll be very glad you chose well.

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RELATED LINKS:

Things Your Therapist Shouldn’t Do

How to Choose a Therapist - for general needs, video

How to Choose a Therapist – for people overcoming issues related to personality disordered  parents and others with PDs.

Join us next time — we’ll be discussing histrionic people.

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For people with Borderline Personality Disorder, DBT is arguably the best therapy ever developed.

Borderline Personality Disorder is a serious problem. Left untreated, people with BPD have tremendous difficulty dealing with out-of-control feelings and impulses. Their lives are chaotic and painful, and their family, friends and coworkers suffer right along with them.

Until fairly recently, nothing seemed to work well on BPD. Traditional therapy seemed to offer little change, if any at all. Medications sometimes seemed to have some effect, but nowhere near enough. It looked hopeless.

But today, while most personality disorders are still not considered highly treatable (if they’re treatable at all) borderline personality disorder is now considered treatable, thanks to the efforts of a single psychologist whose groundbreaking work has focused on the treatment of BPD.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is considered a tremendous breakthrough, and has seen far more success in terms of treating the disorder than anything else in existence. It is considered by many who have been treated with it to be an actual cure.

This past June, it was made clear where the exceptional insight and dedication necessary to develop such an effective treatment came from. After many years of keeping the information private, Dr. Marsha Linehan, the American psychologist who developed the treatment, announced that she herself had suffered from the disorder.

BPD has a strong genetic component, and multiple members of a family may suffer from it.

If you or a loved one has symptoms of BPD, you should know that DBT is far and away better than anything else available. More information about DBT and how it works can be found at Marsha Linehan’s official website: www.behavioraltech.org
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Join us next time — we’ll be discussing how to find the right therapist.

You are reading Light’s Blog. The rest of Light’s House is here.

RELATED LINKS:

BPD traits
All About BPD

Related Posts:

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The Four Basic Roles of Dysfunctional Families:

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Golden Child, Scapegoat, Mascot and Lost Child

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Dysfunctional families don’t allow people to be their authentic selves. They dance around their shame, denials and addictions, working to keep everyone in their assigned dysfunctional roles — like it or not.

There are four basic roles in the dysfunctional family:

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The Golden Child/Hero

The golden child is the one who “can do no wrong”. This child is viewed as being the best and the brightest; even if they’re not.
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Some golden children play the part well and end up stuck in the role of success-object, and some golden children are entitled troublemakers who are never expected to actually earn anything, due to their already-favored status. Golden children are expected to abandon their authentic selves in exchange for hollow esteem.

Many golden children wake up much later in life to a nice home, a fancy car, a high-paying job and a supposedly perfect family, all of which they suddenly realize they’d like to trade for something more authentic. Other golden children are the opposite; their lives are a mess because they’ve never had to work to earn their status, and the rest of the world doesn’t reward them similarly for doing nothing.

The Scapegoat

The scapegoat is the child who can “do no right”. This child is viewed as being the reason for everything undesirable and bad, even when they excel.

Some scapegoats enter into the trap of trying harder and harder to redeem themselves in the eyes of their family so they can finally be respected and appreciated for who they really are. They can never be good enough, and will burn themselves out trying to get a pat on the back. Other scapegoats succumb to the role of “bad one” and make waves, because they’re always labeled bad regardless, so they give up trying and rebel in anger.

Many scapegoats spend much of their adult lives still trying to be accepted and appreciated by constantly doing more, giving more and trying more. Other scapegoats spark lots of conflict and difficulties. Scapegoats typically wake up later in life and and realize things aren’t as they should be when their constant efforts to gain respect backfire and get them walked all over at work and at home (or when they get themselves into one too many conflicts pertaining to their adoption of a “who cares” attitude).

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The Lost Child

The Lost Child is the child who withdraws in self-preservation. Ignored and invisible, this child experiences loneliness and a feeling of not belonging.

Many Lost Children remain in the background into their adult lives, hiding from conflict and healthy risk-taking, stuck in the feeling of being a frightened outsider or unimportant “nobody”. Lost children typically wake up later in life to find that they have missed out on many emotional things others have had, such as a sense of connectedness and having made a difference in the world.

Often overlooked, many opportunities for better things have likely passed them by as they retreated into a quiet world which focused on something of value to them that was not likely related to confident interaction (and even conflict) with others. Some lost children take an interest in material possessions or other pursuits with limited social/intimate requirements.

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Mascot/Clown

The Mascot is the child who jokes and distracts the family from the heaviness of its dysfunction. This child expresses the effects of the family’s painful experiences as humor.

Mascots have difficulty accepting and expressing difficult feelings, and will joke their way out of serious circumstances, avoiding the real issue that needs addressing. Mascots may find themselves in entertainment-related fields, since it’s second nature for them to make light of tragedy, pain and suffering. Many mascots awaken later in life to find they have not been taken seriously, or are always counted on to make everyone feel better, perhaps at the expense of acknowledging their own painful realities.

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The Limitations of the concept of family roles

While helpful, the definitions of these roles are imperfect.  Some sources claim there are more roles, as many as seven. Some sources claim the golden child/hero only plays the “perfect” role, though there are some golden children who are actually quite entitled, lazy and even antisocial. A similar issue exists with the definition of scapegoats. Some sources claim the scapegoat is “the bad seed”, and others say the scapegoat is the healthiest member of the family.

It’s also been noted that parents may change and mix the roles assigned to a given child based on changes in the family’s needs, experiences, environment and structure. This means it is possible for one child to be both the scapegoat and the lost child, etc., or start out as the golden child and tumble from grace to end up the scapegoat.

Ultimately, these definitions function more like helpful guidelines than scientific analysis, and have helped many people understand the fundamentals of dysfunctional family life.

Join us Monday — we’ll be discussing effective therapy for people with Borderline Personality Disorder.

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OCD and OCPD aren’t the same thing. Here’s how to spot the differences between them and determine which one is which.

Before you read this, there’s one important thing you must know:
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Fifteen percent of people with OCPD also have OCD.

So before getting into a mindset of “this vs. that”, remember, there’s a 15% chance that the person in question may have both.

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Okay, now…what are the differences between OCPD and OCD?

THERE ARE 5 MAIN DIFFERENCES:

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Most Importantly:
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• OCD is an anxiety disorder. It’s about brain chemistry that won’t allow the brain to stop.
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• OCPD is a personality disorder. It’s more about personality traits and perceptions..
  

• OCD involves repetition compulsion, which can manifest many different ways. Some common examples are: checking things too many times, counting things, obsessions about cleanliness, hair-pulling, and repetitive unwanted thoughts. (View the full description of OCD here. Be patient; it takes several seconds to download).
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• OCPD involves being unsatisfied and stubborn. People with OCPD have difficulty letting go and accepting the imperfections in life and people. They have difficulty being open and flexible, and problems with appreciating the “big picture” as much as details. (View the full description of OCPD here.)
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• OCD is often helped by medication and/or therapy.
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• OCPD is not treatable with medication, but is moderately treatable with therapy.

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• While OCD can be problematic and create difficulties, it’s not a disorder that makes a person toxic or abusive.
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• While OCPD doesn’t generally make people toxic, it can make the person very difficult to get along with, and in some cases, moderately toxic and controlling.
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• About 1% of people have OCD.
• About 8% of people have OCPD. It’s many times more common.
  

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  RELATED LINKS:

   

  All About OCPD
  

……The International OCD Foundation

Join us next time. We’ll be discussing the 4 dysfunctional family roles and how they operate.

You are reading Light’s Blog. The rest of Light’s House is here.

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Is Your Relationship With Someone Healthy?

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Take This Healthy Relationship Quiz.

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________________________________________________________
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No doubt you have disagreements…

                                            …but are your relationships really healthy?

________________________________________________________

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Grab a paper and pen, and let’s find out…

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Think of someone you have a relationship with. It can be anyone — a parent or sibling, partner, coworker or friend. Now ask yourself the following questions:

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1. Does this person treat me with respect and decency? Do I always feel emotionally and physically safe and cared for?

2. Does this person truly accept and appreciate the truth of who I really am?

3. Can they be trusted to care about me and support me?

4. Does this person view my interests, opinions, experiences and perceptions as being every bit as valuable and valid as their own? Does this person treat me fairly?

5. Does this person communicate their feelings, needs, and thoughts to me clearly and respectfully, without difficulties?

6. Do I feel consistently loved by this person? Do they genuinely like me? Are they affectionate and kind? Do we have fun?

7. Does this person have a clear, independent sense of their own identity, separate from me?

8. Does this person tell me the truth? Are they honest about all the aspects of their life and their relationship with me?

9. Does this person allow me to be imperfect, to make occasional mistakes, without becoming rejecting of me on the whole?

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Now, about your half of the equation…answer honestly…
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10. Do you treat this person with respect and decency? Do you always make them feel emotionally and physically safe and cared for?

11. Do you truly accept and appreciate the truth of who they really are?

12. Can you be trusted to care about and support them?

13. Do you view their interests, opinions, experiences and perceptions as being every bit as valuable and valid as your own? Do you treat them fairly?

14. Do you communicate your feelings, needs, and thoughts to them clearly and respectfully, without difficulties?

15. Are you consistently loving toward this person? Do you genuinely like them? Are you affectionate and kind? Do they find you fun?

16. Do you have a clear, independent sense of your own identity, separate from them?

17. Do you tell them the truth? Are you honest about all the aspects of your life and your relationship with them?

18. Do you allow this person to be imperfect, to make occasional mistakes, without becoming rejecting of them on the whole?

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The Final Step
___________________________________________________________

Now that you have your 18 questions answered, go through each of them, 1-18, and answer the following question:

Would the other person agree with your answer — yes, or no? If not, why?

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Feeling Brave? Get Maximum Results This Way…

________________________________________________________________

For maximum insight, after answering the 18 questions (and whether you think the other person would agree to each of your answers), have the other person take the same quiz. Then compare answers.
________________________________________________________________

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Join us next time. We’re discussing OCD vs. OCPD.

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Passive-aggressive behavior…it’s more than just the occasional sneaky or mean comment. Whether subtle or blatantly abusive, the real meaning of the issue being communicated is anger and control.

Passive-aggressive communication is a means of expressing anger indirectly. Examples of passive-aggressive behaviors are listed below.

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIORS AND ISSUES
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• Obstructionism (making things difficult)
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• Hostility, anger, and bad attitude toward people in authority or people who have an advantage. Scorn and resentment.
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• Issues such as specific kinds of fears, a sense of victimization, feelings of being misunderstood, etc. (see list below)
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• Complaints of having it hard or being treated unfairly
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• Sneaky, “Sideways” or “Backhanded” comments/compliments hidden behind a veneer of pleasantry

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Examples of Passive-Aggressive Obstructionism

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Arriving late to meetings and other events, making other people wait

Purposely doing a poor job on a required work project

Claiming to have “forgotten” what is wanted by other people

Making issues more difficult than they have to be

Making excuses

Lazy communication, failing to follow through on messages

Lying and mental manipulation

Procrastination and laziness at home or in the workplace

Deliberately creating disorder in situations with friends, employer and family

Expressing ambiguity when interacting with people
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Examples of Common Fears and Issues for Passive-Aggressive People

• Fear of intimacy
• Fear of competition
• Fear of dependency
• Arguing
• Enviousness

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Dealing with passive-aggressive people can be especially difficult, particularly when you are relying on them to do something properly and on time, without difficulty and complications.

In the workplace, passive-aggressive people should be dealt with administratively, since trying to work around, adjust to, and change their behavior is impossible. They will sorely resent the supervision; however, they were likely already displeased and resentful of it anyhow.

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Passive-aggressive people will always find a way to slip out of what you need them to do or otherwise make you pay for trying to get them to cooperate.
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Dealing or working with a passive-aggressive person can feel like a gigantic game of Whack-a-Mole.

Once you think you’ve addressed the first excuse, lie, issue or ambiguity, they’re off and running presenting you with a third, second and fourth. It’s as if they’re playing a mental game designed to exhaust you into giving up asking anything reasonable of them. Insisting and pressuring them into fulfilling their obligations only makes things worse.

When in situations where you are forced to work with them, do not assume responsibility for their work or lack thereof. Do not let the maddening inefficiency and game-playing get to you. Concentrate on your own responsibilities, and minimize working on joint projects with them as much as possible. Above all, don’t take the bait that sends you begging them to cooperate. They will only resent you for it and get you back later.

And definitely, without delay, add passive-aggressive people to your list of toxic people to avoid wherever possible.

Join us next time — we’ll be talking about the indicators of a healthy relationship.

You are reading Light’s Blog. The rest of Light’s House is here.

Related Posts:

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Discovering Yourself — for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families

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If you were raised by a dysfunctional parent who didn’t know who you really were and forced you to play a role that had nothing to do with your identity, you probably entered into adulthood scratching your head about what you were good at and which way to go.

By now, you may have had quite a few of the wrong jobs and wrong partners, and wondered if you’ll ever be sure of what suits you best. Finding yourself isn’t easy when you grew up with someone who was bound and determined not to let you know who you really were.

So…who is this mystery person you live with 24 hours a day?

The process of discovering yourself does take some patience, which is something adult children of dysfunctional parents were not taught to have for themselves, so remember, this isn’t an overnight process; you’ll need a while to uncover all the clues.

But where can you start? You can start by recognizing and acknowledging what you like…

Try the “Stuff I Like” Project
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• Take out a big piece of paper and something to write with (poster board is great for this, but several pieces of paper will work just fine).
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• Get yourself a kitchen timer, or a watch you can keep an eye on, or something else that will time you, or at least tell you the time.
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• Make sure there are no distractions – this is YOUR time.
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Now, set the timer/plan for 5 minutes, and – hurrying – jot down everything you love and like in the 5 minutes. Never mind whether or not you’re trained in these things, or even whether or not you think you’re any good at them. Pay no attention to whether it’s something you like to eat or something you watch, or even something you have never done. If you like it, you write it!

We’re looking for what kinds of things express you and make you feel good, not what kinds of things you’re supposedly supposed to think you “should” do or “should” like.

And above all, don’t lie to yourself!

If you are that one in a million person who likes anchovies on pizza, say so! Boldly write, “Anchovies on pizza!”

Keep going and going, writing everything you like or think is great, from meteors to bubble baths to fun gadgets to naps to wrinkle dogs to cranberry muffins to Harley bikes to deep-tissue massages to your programmable coffee machine.

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Pay no attention to whether or not you can afford it, whether or not you are capable of receiving it or anything else — if YOU like it, just write it down.

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One important tip — don’t forget to write all the intangibles, values and actions you like, such as “efficiency”, “generosity” “the joy of discovery” “feeling like I belong” and “free time”.Those answers will be key to determining the quality of life and the kind of partner that is right for you.
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No Censoring or Shaming

If you like, love or think it’s great, no matter what it is, write it down. No “shoulding” or “shouldn’ting”. If it takes you longer than 5 minutes, great! Keep going until you can think of nothing more for a solid minute. See just how long you can make the list.

If you do this activity without shaming or censoring yourself about any of your answers about what YOU honestly think is great, you will start to feel something — you will start to feel a sense of yourself. And that’s a great start to figuring out what kinds of things to move toward and what kinds of things to move away from, and knowing who you are.

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Now Meet Yourself…

Once you’ve finished the answers above, have a look over them. What kind of person do you think is this? What advice would you give them about how to live their life, or what you think they would like to do for work? Better yet, show the list to someone else, and ask them — what kind of person do you think this is? How should they spend their time?

The secret to who you are is rooted in what you love. Adult children of dysfunctional families were not taught to pay attention to what they love, so the first step to uncovering your true self is to answer that question, honestly, with all the answers you can think of, and without all the limitations.

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Join us next time — we’ll be talking about a toxic mainstay: passive-aggression.

You are reading Light’s Blog. The rest of Light’s House is here.

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The Most Common Myth About Sociopaths…

You would know a sociopath when you encountered one, right? After all, sociopaths are the serial killers and the psychopathic monsters from the movies, like Hannibal Lecter from Silence of the Lambs and Norman Bates from Psycho.

Well, not really. In fact, not necessarily at all.

Looks Deceive… 

If you don’t recognize this friendly-faced man, click his photo to see who he is:

Were you fooled by his appearance? If so, you’re not alone; many people have been, primarily because we think bad people look bad.

The truth is, you have probably worked alongside a sociopath (also called antisocial, or sometimes, wrongly, psychopath). You may even have had one in your extended family, or dated one. Many sociopaths are sub-criminal and don’t stand out in the least.

Most sociopaths blend in inconspicuously with the rest of society, and unless you’re looking very closely at their behavior, you’re not likely to realize anything at all is wrong for a while. You might never notice, in fact.

Not all sociopaths are the same. Some are very dangerous and obviously destructive, and some are just detached, indifferent and deceptively self-gratifying.

The official list of APA traits for the disorder contains a total of 7 possible traits, and a person needs to have 3 of them in order to receive a diagnosis. But as with all personality disorders, it’s any of those three.

…And So Do Sociopaths.

Because so many sociopaths are masterful con-artists, it can be very difficult to determine whether or not the seemingly cooperative coworker in the next office or quiet neighbor of several years is actually someone you shouldn’t trust.

Most sociopaths practice imitating the behaviors and reactions of  people who have more empathy, and know how to gain the trust of others.

Therapy is not notably effective on AsPD, and many a therapist has observed that when sociopaths are dragged into therapy by unwitting partners or are court-ordered to attend counseling, they only use the experience to learn better how to manipulate and exploit others. No doubt many of their partners do not realize they are coupled with a sociopath, when, after all, he or she doesn’t look like the Hollywood image of a sick monster or seem to act in similar ways at all.

Avoiding Sociopaths

Probably the most important thing to know about sociopaths is that you’re probably not going to know them when you see them. If at all possible, you’re going to know them after having experienced or witnessed them in action enough. The old saying, “Don’t judge a book by its cover” is especially good advice to those attempting to avoid sociopaths.

When trying to determine whether or not someone you know may be sociopathic, look for behaviors that may signify a lack of remorse, deviousness, and self-gratification without regard for others.

And above all, don’t consider appearances. Because many sociopaths know that people place a lot of emphasis on appearance, and will see to it that they look like and appear to be exactly like the people you trust the most.

RELATED LINKS:

All About Sociopaths

Interview With Dr. Martha Stout, Author of The Sociopath Next Door

Join Us Wednesday —

By Request, We’ll Be Discussing Uncovering Who You Are and What You Want.

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It’s tempting to think that getting the last word with a toxic person is worth pursuing, but there’s one thing that’s even better…

In the simplest of terms, there’s nothing toxic people like more than:

1. Getting their way, or;

2. Causing a fight.

Toxic people like to accuse, tantrum, manipulate and smear their way to either one of the above or the other. Their out-of-control emotions and self-centeredness make the blame game and the smear campaign two of their favorite tactics for keeping you engaged with them so they can feed off you.

Upset a toxic person, and they’ll be shooting infuriating drama-baits your way and just waiting for you to bite the hook. And they know just what to say to keep you tossing and turning at night, just trying to think of some way – any way – that you can stop them once and for all and make sure the truth about who you are prevails. But if you’re wise, you won’t bother.

Because the only way to win with a toxic person is not to play.

And until you accept that fact, you’re anybody’s sucker. All it will take is one bloated accusation, one lie, or one insinuation about you, and you’ll forever be the toxic person’s most treasured source of satisfying fun and games. If you don’t know how to leave the bait alone and find another, quieter, more indirect route back toward being left alone, you never will be.

Abusive people know that as long as they can set and keep their hooks in you, you are stuck being there for them to use and abuse – to feed on. When they want to, abusive people will say and do whatever it takes to keep you glued painfully to them and their world, because if you are stuck to them, they will always have you handy for whatever emotionally abusive purpose they want.

You may need to cut contact altogether if you are in an entrenched personal relationship, and if so, you may get hoovered and manipulated into staying connected. This is often easily done by deliberately upsetting you so much that the urge to call or contact them just to have your say will be intense, because the lies or other distortions being propagated are so hurtful. Don’t fall for it. Just ignore the whole thing, walk away and wipe your hands. There is no winning such battles. The greatest reward is freedom from the toxicity, which only comes with your non-involvement.

Of course, if there is a legal matter or similar to attend to, by all means, defend yourself appropriately. Non-communication isn’t the same thing as being a legal or occupational doormat. However, responding personally to the drama baits and the manipulations designed to tempt you into fighting back is a reward for toxic people, so wherever logistically possible, let the lies, accusations or other nastiness go completely unresponded to.

The sooner you do, the sooner it will start to become quiet, which, given certain toxic types, can take long enough without additional delays being thrown in. Don’t tell yourself you have to reply — learn to recognize your refusal to respond for what it really is — a sign that it will be over as quickly as possible because you knew how to ignore drama-baiting and send the toxic person looking for a better target.

So when you find yourself invited into an ugly tug-of-war with a toxic person, simply drop the rope immediately, walk away and LEAVE IT BE FOREVER. Because the simple fact of the matter is, toxic people can’t have a tug-of-war with you if there’s  nobody holding on at the other end.

Join us next time — we’ll be talking about the most common myth about sociopaths.

You are reading Light’s Blog. The rest of Light’s House is here.

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PERSONALITY:

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Traits

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Characteristics

Difficult people come in many varieties. Whether you’re dealing with a narcissistic mother-in-law, a histrionic partner, a borderline sibling or a sociopathic boss, the bottom line is, you’ve got troubles. A quick look around the net will help you start collecting the information you need to validate your instinctive knowing that the problems you face with these people are not your fault.

But while much of what you find will make things clearer, not everything available is both accurate and easy to understand. One of the things that’s most often confused and misunderstood is the difference between a trait and a characteristic.

Most people assume that traits and characteristics are the same thing, and the words are often used interchangeably, but they’re not the same thing, which creates confusion.

In terms of personality disorders:

A trait is a basic element of a person’s personality that is not widely considered to be notably changeable. It is displayed consistently over time and under varying circumstances. Some examples of traits from a few different personality disorders are:

“Lacks Empathy”
“Frantic Efforts to Avoid Real or Imagined Abandonment”
“Reckless Disregard for the Safety of Self or Others”

A characteristic describes any number of certain types of behaviors that a person may engage in when they have the trait. Some examples of a few potential characteristic behaviors for the above traits are:

Lacks Empathy (NPD) – Tells you they don’t care if you’re hurt, lacks compassion for their crying child, walks all over others without a care, etc.

Frantic Efforts to Avoid Real or Imagined Abandonment (BPD) - Stops at nothing to get you to come home, threatens to do something awful if you don’t come back after being gone, keeps begging for constant reassurance that you still love them and always will, etc.

Reckless Disregard for the Safety of Self or Others (AsPD) – Doesn’t put their child in a safety seat, physically assaults others, has racked up serious tickets for driving dangerously, etc.

 

So one narcissist with the NPD trait of “Requires Excessive Admiration” tries to get it by lying and saying they are a Nobel Laureate, and another narcissist with the same trait may try to get it a completely different way — by insisting on a standing ovation for their first minor role in a small local play. But both those behaviors are characteristic of narcissists who have the trait of requiring excessive admiration.

No doubt you can think of a few more examples of traits and the many characteristics that often result from them, based on people you know.

Links to the lists of the official traits of the most high-conflict and/or problematic personality disorders are available below:

Narcissistic Personality Disorder Traits
Histrionic Personality Disorder Traits
Antisocial Personality Disorder Traits
Borderline Personality Disorder Traits
Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder Traits
Dependent Personality Disorder Traits
Avoidant Personality Disorder Traits

Join us Friday — we’ll be discussing the magic of happily giving toxic people the last word – on purpose!

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All toxic people are repelled by the same thing — something you carry with you wherever you go…

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No two toxic people are exactly alike, however, there is one thing that makes all toxic people think twice about making you their next chew toy — the right body language.

Most toxic people have traits of narcissistic, antisocial, histrionic or borderline personality disorders. These four disorders are considered to be the most “high-conflict” personalities in existence. (Narcissistic people want you to do everything their way, antisocial people – sociopaths – have no conscience, histrionic people create drama and feed off the negative emotional consequences, and borderline people’s emotions are unstable and intense.)

If you want to prevent yourself from getting caught in the middle of trouble or getting fed to the sharks, these are the people you have to avoid getting into it with at home, school, and work. Thankfully, while there are many different types of people who stand to make you miserable, they are usually all repelled or dissuaded by the very same thing — strong, unemotional, assertive energy – the calm and unshakable confidence of firm, low-key boundaries and quiet no-nonsense attitudes.

While nothing is 100% fool-proof, sending the right messages of strong and non-threatening unflappability to high-conflict toxic people is a tried and true best-bet strategy. Narcissists and sociopaths will often look for easier targets, and histrionic and borderline people will tend to make their waves where the pool is shallower and more responsive.

Body Language

Studies conducted on the importance of body language vary in their conclusions about what percentage of human communication is actually non-verbal. But there is one thing they all agree on; the majority – not the minority – of human communication is non-verbal, with some study results showing numbers as high as a whopping 93%.

In other words, it’s not what you say, it’s what you show.

So, which body positions can you adopt to send cues of confident and non-resistant unemotionality, while inside, your every nerve is frayed and you feel like blowing your top at the maddening coworker, critical in-law or other insufferable crazy-maker you’re trying to cope with?

When you’re stuck at a staff meeting, group activity or dinner table and you have to interact with a toxic person:

1. Stay still — nervously fiddling with objects, tapping your feet, fidgeting, biting your lip, and other such movements signal nervousness indicate fear and insecurity, not calm confidence. Consciously tell yourself to move and speak more slowly than you feel like you’re about to. See just how still you can get yourself to be without appearing rigid, which communicates tension, not calm.

2. Keep your hands calm and unoccupied. Do not touch your face or hair. Do not put your hands in your pockets, which signifies feeling rejected and intimidated. Simply rest them beside you or loosely on a surface (not in front of you – placing objects or hands between you and the speaker makes you appear defensive. The best place for your hands is alongside you in a relaxed and open posture.

3. Maintain lots of good old eye contact. Low eye contact makes people think someone is uncertain or worried, so make sure you are looking straight at the problematic person. (Just be careful not to glare intensely into their eyes and make them feel threatened; that will have the wrong effect.) Instead, look straight at them flexibly and don’t break your gaze very often or for very long. This communicates a strong (but not threatening) presence.

4. Don’t slouch! If you are sitting, sit up straight (but again, not so straight that you look rigid and tense). Sitting or standing straight conveys a strong, confident and calm presence.

5. Open your body posture. Put your shoulders back and open your arms wider. Don’t bring your knees together. This will feel awkward and unnatural, because you’re feeling threatened or defensive when toxic people come at you. You likely won’t feel like doing this, but it’s important. If a toxic person can sense your fear and tension, you will be chosen more often to upset or to victimize. To send messages of calm, secure confidence, you shouldn’t appear defensive or scared, and unfortunately, closed body postures communicate just that. To prevent this, face the person directly, sitting back casually or standing upright and relaxed, even though you probably feel like doing the exact opposite.

6. Nod as you listen. You won’t want to nod, but make yourself nod — calmly. If you have trouble doing this, talk to yourself as you listen. Say things to yourself you find helpful, such as, “Nodding helps…I’m calm…” or “I’m a calm, patient person; they can talk all they want…”  The more time you spend doing this, the more will actually start to believe it and feel less threatened. Toxic people seek either your complete agreement with their desires or a juicy dramatic conflict — simply nodding is a powerful way to communicate non-resistance without having to get involved.

7. BREATHE! When people feel threatened or anxious, their breathing becomes more shallow and restricted. This leads to a whole host of difficulties. Toxic people are highly attuned to people’s emotional reactions, and they do notice when someone is not breathing deeply, because this communicates fear or upset, which holds great importance for toxic people. When people feel relaxed and confident, they are breathing slowly and deeply, so breathe slowly and deeply when in the midst of toxic people. This will not only send the MESSAGE that you are unshakable, but it will also make you FEEL unshakable, so remember to breathe fully.

8. Keep physically distant wherever possible. The old saying about an ounce of prevention is good advice, and maintaining your distance from toxic people as much as possible is powerful prevention. Having people seated between you and the toxic person is helpful, as is choosing a seat alongside them instead of across from them. This will markedly limit the amount of time you spend having to interact with them (and see them) very naturally.

Finally… when you can, as soon as you can, gracefully leave, or at least include others in the discussion as soon as possible. Pull away tactfully, excuse yourself, or bring others into the conversation where this is reasonable. This helps deflect the negative energy off you and can help get you a chance to break free without appearing to flatly reject the toxic person. This is especially helpful, because all toxic people (except sociopaths) are hypersensitive to rejection.

If you can’t eliminate contact with a toxic person, combining the tips above with limiting your level of contact as much as possible with a toxic person is the best strategy. No contact is always the best option, followed by low contact. But if you find yourself in situations where you have no choice, remember — conveying calm, relaxed non-resistance is the best damage control plan there is.

Join us Wednesday — we’ll be discussing the traits and characteristics of toxic people.

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Toxic and dysfunctional families project their shame and sense of inferiority onto a designated other.

Woe to the scapegoat, the whipping boy, the outcast of the toxic and dysfunctional family. This person is made to carry the hidden blame and shame of relatives who refuse to acknowledge their problems.

Dysfunctional families are steeped in shame, and cannot look at their issues. They have poor insight into their own behaviors and problems, and will do anything to appear normal or exceptional, despite the fact that in reality, they are terribly crippled by their fears, addictions, mental disorders, abuse, neglect and insecurities.

While dysfunctional parents dance around the obvious real problems right before their eyes, they play a toxic game with the scapegoated child — the game is called, “You are the reason for anything and everything that is bad or wrong”. The whipping boy cannot escape this role, which is typically assigned in early childhood, long before a child can think objectively about messages given to them.

The rest of the family cannot allow the role of scapegoat to go unfulfilled, because it serves an important purpose — it gives them a place to toss their unwanted psychological garbage. If they did relinquish the need for the role, they would have to face reality — there are problems they have found impossible to accept and address. In time, the role eventually becomes the scapegoat’s internalized  false identity – “I am bad, I am wrong, I am the reason people are unhappy, I am worthless, and I am at fault for everything” become the scapegoat’s deeply-held beliefs.

Even if the scapegoat eventually leaves the family, they are usually still considered the cause of all the family’s difficulties, no matter how much time has passed, because the family’s need to place blame and project shame onto another person still exists. Some families may find a new scapegoat or re-assign another family member to the position, however, they typically continue to carry the decades-old disdain and disgust toward the original scapegoat nevertheless. For the ostracized family member, escaping their family’s toxic blame is rare at best.

The role of scapegoat/black sheep/whipping boy/fall guy is a timeless classic that is typical of virtually all dysfunctional families. Parents with addictions and parents with Cluster B personality disorders usually scapegoat at least one child, and sometimes more than one. If your parent scapegoated you, I can offer no better suggestion than to look very closely at the four personality disorders that cause parents to scapegoat their children the most.

There is more information available at Light’s House about the scapegoat role and how to prevent yourself from being made the scapegoat at school, work, and in social groups.

Until family scapegoats evolve out of their old patterns of behavior, they often find themselves in similar roles at school and work. Therapy can be tremendously helpful in breaking down the internalized shame, fear and dysfunctional thoughts that scapegoats have been programmed to believe.

Join us Monday — we’ll be discussing how to harness the power of body language to repel toxic people and command the respect and consideration that everyone is entitled to.

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Saying no — if you’re not doing it at least once in a while, you’re not doing it enough.

People have needs and wants, and it’s healthy to be able to ask for help. But toxic people ask too much of others, and when they find people who don’t know how to say no, they stick around for more service. If you wince at the thought of having to say no to people, you’re the perfect fit, and you’ll easily attract the wrong people to you.

Saying no is something everyone needs to know how to do, and if your life is in balance, you’ll neither have to say no very much nor have any notable trouble doing so. The people you have around you will be able to tolerate being told they cannot have something you don’t want to give, and will appreciate the reasons for your turning down their request. Given that your reasons are sensible, they’ll turn their attention to getting their wish met another way – by doing it themselves, or by asking someone else who doesn’t mind.

Start Small…

If it hasn’t been easy for you to refuse things that you feel you should, start by saying no to some small things first, like telling a restaurant host you’d prefer to sit at another table, or asking a coworker not to shout at you when disagreeing. When doing so, pay close attention to how the person receives your request or demand. If you are pressured to give in or you feel your response isn’t accepted and respected, you may be dealing with someone who has kept your company because they like it that you always say yes, and they expect it.

Spend the most time with people who have no problem accepting that they’re not going to get everything they want. If you say no and you are not pressured or fought against, notice how easy it is for so many people to accept other people’s wishes, as long as they’re not outrageous or too much of an inconvenience. Then work your way up to the bigger things.

Keep Going…

Along the way, you may say no imperfectly. You may say it a little later than is ideal, or you might feel you were too forward about it, or you might have mumbled it self-consciously. Don’t worry — that doesn’t matter. What matters is you’re saying what you need to say, and very soon, you’ll find your balance. Just keep focusing on getting the message across, and noticing people’s reactions.

It’s important to remember that it probably won’t feel comfortable at first, but just do it anyway — each “no” is much easier than the last. In fact, once you manage to pull off your first no, don’t be surprised if you find that you really feel good about it, and can’t wait to try it again!

Join us Friday — we’ll be discussing scapegoating in toxic families.

You are visiting Light’s Blog. The rest of Light’s House is here.

RELATED LINKS:

“Try Someone Else” – How to Stay out of the Scapegoat Role, the Doormat Role, The Sucker Role, and the Unappreciated Role

Related Posts:

Invalidation denies the importance of your experiences, your feelings, your thoughts, your wisdom, and even your existence.

Invalidation.  It takes many forms, but the person doing it is always communicating the same thing — your needs don’t matter!

People who invalidate you don’t want you to feel and think what you feel and think. They want you to feel and think what they do. It’s an imposition, an annoyance, or something else undesirable when you don’t.

Dysfunctional, toxic and abusive people are champion invalidators.

A father’s 3-year old son has gotten hurt skinning his knee on the sidewalk, and the father instantly pulls his bawling child up by the hand, exclaiming, “It’s not bad, you’re not hurt, what are you crying for? Look, it’s only a scrape, get up!”

But his son IS hurt, twice — once, physically, by falling, and again, by being denied his legitimate feelings by his father, the person whose job it is to teach him that his feelings always matter. Later in life, when the child becomes a man and marries a woman whose expectations of him are unreasonable and who calls him a baby if he complains, it is a reflection of his father’s bad parenting.

Children’s – and everyone’s – feelings are always legitimate. The feelings may be difficult to fully understand; however, if enough listening is done instead of merely trying to stuff down the unwanted feelings, the reasons make themselves known and can be addressed and healed, not just hidden.

Invalidation often takes the form of being told that you should not feel as strongly as you do. Other times, you’ll be told that your concerns are nothing to worry about. Some common invalidating statements are:

“You’re oversensitive”
“What are you crying about?”
“Everything’s fine!”
“Oh, you poor baby!”
“Get over it — don’t be such a whiner!”
“What’s the matter NOW???”
“So WHAT!”

Your wishes may also be ignored in favor of the other person’s preferences. You may feel as if you don’t have an equal voice in the relationship or in what takes place. When you explain that being ignored makes you unhappy, you’ll be made to feel as if your concerns aren’t legitimate, and you should be ashamed of yourself for making life difficult for the invalidator.

Getting invalidators to truly hear you out isn’t easy, and in many cases, is impossible. If nothing else, remember that your feelings – no matter what they are – always have a legitimate reason, and are there for a real and important purpose. You may experience invalidation by someone else, but you can practice what mentally healthy people do all the time – know that all feelings always matter, even when some people don’t understand them, and always, always…validate yourself.

Join us next time, for The Beauty of Saying No.

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RELATED LINKS:

http://eqi.org/invalid.htm

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You might never have heard the term, but no doubt you’ve been gaslighted countless times.

If you’ve ever been told something that’s upsetting you is, “all in your mind”, or that what you experienced never actually happened, you’ve been gaslighted.

In the 1944 movie “Gaslight”, a jewel thief cons a woman whose aunt has bequeathed her some gems into marrying him and proceeds to manipulate her. He makes small changes to objects in her environment, secretly moving items with which she’s familiar and dimming the gaslights in the house. Every time she says she suspects something funny may be going on, he invalidates her and brainwashes her into thinking nothing is wrong — that her suspicions simply mean that she is going insane. As the film progresses, his repeated insistence that she is losing her faculties has the desired effect, and she begins to believe him. She ultimately loses all confidence in her own perception, doubting herself and substituting his lies for her reality.

Toxic and abusive people manipulate people in this way so commonly that the writers of the story soon found they had a very popular thriller on their hands. The film was so well-received and so accurate, in fact, that decades later, the term “Gaslight” is still used to refer to abusers’ attempts to prevent their victims from trusting their own awareness of what is taking place.

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How to recognize when you’re being gaslighted:

• You’re being told that what was said to you was not. You’re certain it was, but with repeated insistences that you are mistaken, you begin to doubt yourself and become confused. You aren’t entirely sure anymore, even though you were sure before being exposed to the denials. You may be told that you “have a vivid imagination” or that you’re “crazy” or “losing your mind”.

• You are told that events did not happen (or did not happen as badly as you recall). You feel hurt and confused, because you knew they did; however, now you’re repeatedly being told you’re mistaken. Over time, you may feel doubtful, resentful, confused or conciliatory. You may even apologize to the gaslighter for things you haven’t done, or for having behaved so “irrationally” when initially refuting the gaslighter’s claims.

Watch the classic film, “Gaslight”:
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Gaslight, Part One
Gaslight, Part Two
Gaslight, Part Three
Gaslight, Part Four
Gaslight, Part Five
Gaslight, Part Six
Gaslight, Part Seven
Gaslight, Part Eight
Gaslight, Part Nine

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The two kinds of people who can’t…stop…talking!

Know someone who can’t stop talking? Interrupts everyone and carries on forever in long-winded pontifications? Is just a plain old chatterbox? Well, now’s our chance to say something, and we’re talking about the reasons why big talkers talk too much!

There are two categories of excessive talkers:

Talkers Whose Brains are in Overdrive

These talkers have something going on with their brain that is causing them to talk too much. Quite a few brain-based issues can cause excessive talking:

Anxiety-oriented disorders such as OCD and ADHD can create a need for lots of self-stimulus. Some people’s anxiety expresses itself by way of verbalization. You might see some other signs of OCD in this type of excessive talker, such as other anxious behaviors related to control, orderliness/cleanliness, checking things too often, etc. OCD talkers are prone to talking to themselves, even when no-one else is around, because their anxiety has them constantly chomping at the bit. If the issue contributing to the talking is ADHD, you may notice signs of restlessness or inability to focus well.

Bipolar disorder, during a manic or hypomanic phase. Anyone who goes through periods where they cannot stop talking rapidly who also has experienced depression should speak to a professional about possible bipolar disorder. While bipolar I disorder is very obvious and causes severe distress, the milder bipolar II disorder is not as noticeable, and is highly under-diagnosed. Bipolar II can be very subtle — many sufferers never know they have it. Excessive talking in people with bipolar disorder is generally rapid.

Asperger’s Syndrome (Mild Autism). People with Asperger’s Syndrome have a tendency to become very absorbed in certain subjects of interest to them, and may carry on about the same certain subjects without picking up on cues that the listener long ago lost interest in their explanations (usually of technical or esoteric topics, especially). When people with Asperger’s latch onto a subject of interest, they may go on endlessly about facts and details most people have no interest in. (Support for people with Asperger’s Syndrome is available at WrongPlanet.)

Attention-Seeking Talkers

Attention talkers dominate conversations with frequent interruptions, often about themselves. Whereas the above talkers talk because they feel neurologically driven to do so, attention talkers talk for psychological reasons – to keep your attention focused on them.

Attention-talkers typically have one of two personality disorders — Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD) or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

With many who have Histrionic Personality Disorder, the urge to talk to gain constant attention is so great that excessive talking is listed as an official trait of the disorder. People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder may also talk a lot, because they seek more than their share of attention as well; however, a narcissist who talks a lot may also be histrionic as well. (People can also have traits of both disorders). You can peruse the official descriptions of the disorders at the links above and at right.

Join us next time — we’ll be discussing an age-old toxic trick — gaslighting.

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Parentified children are assigned a full-time job on the day they are born — parent their dysfunctional parents.

Children enter the world with countless needs. Until they are old enough to take care of themselves, children are supposed to be relatively free from the demands and concerns of the adult world. Ideally, a child’s parents place their children’s emotional, physical, and developmental needs before their own.

But when a parent has not been parented well themselves, the combination of unaddressed needs and parental power often lead to an unfortunate consequence for their own child — a type of role-reversal called parentification. Parentification is responsible for causing many mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, low self-esteem and workaholism in the adults who experienced it as children.

There are two kinds of parentification:
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Emotional Parentification
The child is expected to take care of and fulfill the emotional needs of the adult. Some examples of emotional parentification are: reassuring the parent that they will be all right when upset, shielding the parent from the emotional consequences of their actions and adjusting behavior to suit the parent’s emotional interests.

Instrumental Parentification
The child is expected to take care of physical needs, such as housework, care of younger siblings and management of parental affairs.

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The effects and consequences of parentification are profound. Parentified children must continually struggle to meet needs they are not able to fulfill, and consequently, they develop deep-seated feelings of inadequacy. The pressure of having to constantly meet unrealistic demands instills a sense of hopelessness in the child that they will ever be able to handle the challenges life presents to them.                                                                                                   

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Adults parentified as children experience the following things:

• Fear that they cannot adequately meet their own expectations and demands

• Poor self-esteem

• A feeling of disconnection from their real self

• Feelings of incompetence

• Underestimation of their own intelligence

• Overestimation of the importance of others

• Shame, guilt, anxiety and depression

• Feeling like they’re still children, who can’t cope with being adults

• Taking on the role of caretaker

• Work addiction

• Codependency/Acceptance of too much responsibility

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Parentification is extremely common in dysfunctional families with toxic parents. These parents may have substance abuse disorders and other addictions, personality disorders (particularly Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and Dependent Personality Disorder) and other mental issues and disorders. Children of single parents and families experiencing high levels of stress are more likely to experience parentification.

See the Narcissistic Parent Survival Kit Here!

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Join us next time — we’ll be discussing people who talk too much.

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Don’t want to treat your depression or anxiety with medication? Have a look at these alternatives…

If you had a less-than ideal upbringing, or if you’ve experienced any trauma or unusually high levels of stress, you’re more prone to depression and anxiety than the average person. Genetics also plays a role, so even if you haven’t experienced the above, you may still be likely to have bouts of depression and anxiety. In fact, about 30 million Americans currently take prescription antidepressants…

…but what if you don’t want them?

Pharmaceuticals are not the only potential treatment for depression and anxiety, and if you don’t like the idea of choosing medication, or if medication has been a disappointment, there are other treatments available that are proven to be just as effective (or more effective) than antidepressant medications. Yes, that’s right…proven more effective.

Here are my top picks for the alternative treatment of depression and anxiety:

Cranial Stimulation

This is delivered by way of a little pocket-sized electronic gizmo. Two tiny wires with sticky contacts plug into the unit, and you attach one to each earlobe. This stimulates your brain and relieves depression, anxiety, insomnia, migraines and many other disorders. (There’s even a unit that blocks physical pain as well).

The unit is used just a few minutes a day, and has a one-time cost of  $595 USD. (The small sticky pads that attach to your ears and the fluid used need regular replacement). Some health insurance plans do cover the cost.

In most countries, you don’t even need a prescription to purchase the unit. In the U.S., you do need a prescription, but a very wide variety of clinicians can write one for you. Psychologists, psychiatrists, MDs, even dentists, therapists and social workers can write up a simple letter saying that you have one of the conditions it treats, and nothing more is needed. To check it out, visit www.alpha-stim.com

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rTMS

rTMS is a treatment that is delivered in a clinic on a regular basis. Treatment consists of placing an electromagnet near to the head; this affects the activity in the brain.

When compared under given circumstances to electroshock therapy (the most effective treatment that has ever been developed for depression) rTMS performed just as well, but without the bad side effects of memory loss. (Abrams, 1997) Astoundingly, rTMS treats depression and a huge list of other disorders such as OCD, anxiety, fibromyalgia, epilepsy, parkinson’s disease, schizophrenia and more. For more information about how rTMS works and what it is used for, visit one of the sites maintained by an rTMS clinic.

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Orthomolecular Treatment

When actress Margot Kidder found she was suffering badly from bipolar I disorder in 1996, she decided against the medications offered and chose to go the orthomolecular route instead.

Kidder, who played Lois Lane in the movie, “Superman”, has now been symptom-free for many years and speaks publicly about her successful treatment with orthomolecular psychiatry. She describes her experience with orthomolecular treatment as, “…nothing short of a miracle.”

The word orthomolecular means “right molecule”, which describes the practice of treating the brain with the natural building blocks that correct its chemistry and functioning. Depression, anxiety, and many other brain-based illnesses and disorders can be treated orthomolecularly. Orthomolecular therapy is typically administered and managed by a naturopathic doctor. For more about orthomolecular treatment and the conditions it treats, consult a naturopathic physician. Like the above treatments, orthomolecular treatment is used to treat many disorders. More information is also available from orthomolecular.org

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Vagal Nerve Stimulation (VNS)

In 1997, a device, the vagal nerve stimulator, was invented to prevent seizures in epileptic patients. It was a small implanted device that stimulated one of the nerves that directly affects brain functioning. It worked well on the epilepsy of the patients who had the small device implanted — with one unexpected result — the patients who also happened to have depression were reporting to their doctors that surprisingly, their depression was lifting as well.

In 2005, the FDA approved the VNS for the treatment of “treatment-resistant depression”, which is defined as depression that does not improve after trying 2 different anti-depressants. Currently, researchers are working on a non-implanted form of the device, and this is expected to be completed by the year 2012. For more information about VNS, visit the site link above and consult your physician.

Join us next time – we’ll be discussing parentification in dysfunctional parents.

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Watch out for unethical therapists who don’t watch themselves…

They’re out there — therapists who go to school, fulfill their supervised work requirements and learn all the rules about boundaries and ethics — then open a practice and start breaking them.

Most people know only one rule about therapy — that their therapist is not supposed to sleep with them — and not much more. But did you know that there are literally scores of things your therapist isn’t supposed to do? Did you know that many of these things are often considered harmless or perfectly acceptable by the majority of clients?

Therapists know many rules about ethics that their clients don’t, and therapists are required to follow and enforce those rules. But if you as the client don’t know what the rules are and your therapist breaks them, who can blow the whistle? Certainly not you.

People in therapy are at their most vulnerable. They usually begin therapy when things are at their absolute worst, and often, their lives weren’t the best to begin with. A therapist’s job is to help people navigate their way through these difficult waters and develop behaviors that make things better. The therapist is someone the client comes to trust – as an authority, as a guidepost, and as a source of support.

But while therapists are schooled in what is unacceptable and are bound by the ethics requirements of their profession – clients are not.  Some of the rules and guidelines applying to therapists’ behavior may surprise you.

The kinds of issues people in therapy sometimes wonder about are:

Is my therapist allowed to hug me?

Is it okay if my therapist meets me outside the office?

What if I am attracted to my therapist? What if they like me back?

Can therapists do favors, like lend me 5 dollars or tell their friend to hire me?

Can I give my therapist gifts?

Is it all right if my therapist works with someone I know, and they talk about me?

And while you can ask your therapist what the answers to such questions are, if you happen to have an unethical therapist, they can just tell you whatever they want you to believe or downplay the issue. There may also be things that you personally have no problem with, but which your therapist is still not allowed to do, even though you personally wouldn’t mind. It’s important to have ethics rules and guidelines so that what happens in therapy isn’t determined by things like personal issues and mental disorder. Clients’ behaviors aren’t always healthy, and unethical therapists do rush in to take advantage of that very fact.

The following things go a long way in terms of preventing and addressing ethics problems with therapists:

Click here to see the list of things therapists are not supposed to do. If all you’re sure about is that your therapist isn’t supposed to sleep with you, you’re missing out on a LOT of other important information. The link above contains a large checklist of things you might never have considered unethical.

Click here to find the ethics code that YOUR therapist has to abide by and reach the right people to answer your questions. After all, if you want advice about whether something is inappropriate, it’s best to get it from a professional who isn’t your therapist!

Join us next time – we’ll be discussing ways to treat depression and anxiety without medication.

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If you’re anything like most people, you probably think the term narcissist just means “mirror-worshiper”…

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… Not so.

You’re hanging around chatting with some friends, and someone says a new coworker is a narcissist. If you’re like the vast majority of people, you immediately picture someone who primps and preens in the mirror, has to have every hair in place and buys the finest clothing to drape on their perfectly manicured physique. But while this person does have a higher than average likelihood of being a narcissist, not all narcissists will look like this person.

Virtually everyone you ask will tell you a narcissist is merely someone who is in love with themselves, particularly with their own image. But a narcissist isn’t so much someone who loves to look at themselves as they are someone who refuses to.

It’s not been proven precisely why narcissists are how they are, but it is known that they cling to a false sense of self. There’s the real person standing before you — demanding, critical, dishonest, emotionally abusive — and who the narcissist so desperately wants to believe they are — someone special, someone super-human and deserving of all your attention.

Currently, in order to be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, a person must have 5 (any 5 at all, but no less than 5) of the things on the American Psychiatric Association’s official NPD traits list.

While fantasies of ideal beauty is one of the possible manifestations of trait #2, it’s by far not not the only possible manifestation of that trait. One narcissist may be preoccupied with fantasies of ideal beauty, but they still have to split the statistical bill with narcissists who have fantasies of ideal love, ideal brilliance, and power instead.

And it’s possible to be a narcissist without having trait #2 at all. In fact, statistically, just looking at the chart, you can see that if only five out of the possible nine traits are required, plenty of narcissists would not be vain about their appearance at all. In fact, some of them are very slovenly dressers; they take the attitude that they can wear rags, because after all, they just look stunning in everything, naturally!

So, what then, is a good, quick layman’s nutshell definition of a narcissist, especially when so many people who ARE vain are in fact, narcissistic?

Someone who is self-absorbed.

Because as you look over the traits list, just about every possible NPD trait screams what every narcissist is constantly thinking about –

“Me, me, me…”

See the Narcissistic Parent Survival Kit Here!

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Pull back the curtain on a critical, judgmental person and you’ll usually find this…

Everybody knows a few of them — arrogant people who think they’re always right about things and everyone else is wrong. To these people, nothing anyone else does is ever “right” or good enough.

But what’s usually behind the actions of the know-it-all, the finger-pointer, the high-horse rider, the snob, the holier-than-thou, the constant critic? Usually, the same thing…

Lack of empathy.

If you’re dealing with someone who just can’t see the possible value or meaning in your point of view, then you’re dealing with someone who cannot empathize well. People who cannot empathize cannot take on an alternate position and view things from another’s vantage point, and take on the perceptions and feelings that a person in that alternate position would have. If they could, they’d easily be able to see the reasons why their point of view is not the only valid one and stop claiming that everyone else is just “wrong”. People with low or no empathy also have a difficult time understanding or caring about the fact that insisting your thinking is wrong and valueless will hurt your feelings.

Many things affect a person’s ability to empathize or express empathy. Mental disorders and brain differences are the most likely culprit. Among the most vigorous criticizers and judgers are people with traits of the following personality disorders:

Narcissistic Personality Disorder – a mental disorder that is partially defined by a lack of empathy for others. Narcissists can be arrogant, insensitive, critical, self-centered and don’t like being questioned.

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder – a mental disorder that makes its sufferers rigid, critical, fault-finding and demanding. Not surprisingly, the current considerations for the revised version of this disorder’s characteristics include difficulty empathizing.

Antisocial Personality Disorder – another mental disorder partly characterized by insufficient empathy. Sociopaths can be cold, callous, sneaky, aggressive, conniving, and even dangerous.

More about these disorders and others can be found at Light’s House, using the above links and the purple and green buttons on the righthand sidebar of this blog.

Join us Monday — we’ll be talking about the number one myth about narcissists. Can you guess what it is?

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Power takes many forms, but it always falls into one of just four categories…

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Maintaining control of your life is the most essential element of preventing people from abusing you. But what does it really mean to be “in control of your life”?

There are lots of things you can’t control. It may pour on your wedding day, you might not be hired after interviewing for the job you hoped for, and even the name you were given at birth is not a name you chose. July temperatures rise and carefully baked souffles fall.

Be that as it may, there are four key forms that personal power takes, and having control of these is absolutely critical if you want to avoid unhealthy relationships and have healthy ones…

The Four Personal Powers
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Your Mind – your thoughts and all the information that affects them.

Your Money – your money and all your other possessions of monetary value.

Your Minutes – your time and your right to use it freely, as you choose.

Your Means – your access to all the things that empower you. These include the controlling of things like food, clothing, shelter, education, transportation, supportive friends, things you love or enjoy, and everything else that aids you in getting all your needs and wishes  met.

These are the four things that you and only you have the right to control. Attempts by anyone to control of any of your four basic personal powers is a red flag, and should be carefully looked into and addressed. Keeping an eye on areas where people may overstep these boundaries is a must.

Here are a few examples of situations in which the above four powers are misused:

You are left out of the family communication loop by an angry, controlling parent who is displeased when you do not do their bidding. (MIND)

Your partner works a different shift from you and insists on taking the one car you share with them to work all day, stranding you at home during your time off unnecessarily. (MEANS)

Your boss expects you to take a “working lunch” at your desk despite company policy to the contrary. (MINUTES)

Your sibling misallocates your contribution to the family fund that is set up to help care for an elderly relative. (MONEY)

The Four Personal Powers are about setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. Keeping a close eye on these powers goes a long way in terms of identifying which behaviors you should put limits on and which people you may need to limit or eliminate contact with.

Join us next time – we’re discussing critical and judgmental behavior.

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When functional people have something to say, they say it to you. When dysfunctional people have something to say, they may tell someone else instead.

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Triangulation is the act of telling a third party something that should be delivered straight to the person involved.

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There are two kinds of triangulation:

Well-Meaning Triangulation

Well-meaning triangulation is often a response to a dysfunctional person or environment. If employees are working under a toxic supervisor, or if a family member flies off the handle when asked not to be disrespectful of others, then triangulation among the rest is more likely to occur, because people feel like they can’t speak freely without undue negative consequences. It’s still important to try to avoid triangulation; however, it’s harder not to when the situation doesn’t support healthy behavior.

People raised in dysfunctional families who haven’t worked through their issues yet can often triangulate out of habit or out of fear, or based on the assumption that there aren’t healthy alternatives. In these cases, the triangulation may be happening because the environment is dysfunctional, or it may be happening because the environment is assumed to be dysfunctional. In either case, the person who is doing the triangulating generally means well, but hasn’t yet overcome the dysfunctional pattern of triangulation.

Ill-Intentioned Triangulation

Ill-intentioned triangulation comes from a toxic person who is manipulating. It serves this triangulator best to have others involved in their toxic drama games. In these cases, the triangulation is little more than a tool used to drag the most people possible into the toxic swirl of their schemes as possible. Telling third (and fourth, and fifth) parties brings them more power or more gratification than it does to work toward the resolution of any issues.

It is helpful to remember that there are two kinds of people in the world – those whose intentions are good and who may be involved in dysfunction because they haven’t yet broken through the bad patterns of behavior (and moreso when the environment doesn’t support healthier interaction), and those who create and maintain the bad patterns in the first place because it gratifies them to manipulate in order to get what they want and/or to and make others feel bad. The ill-intentioned triangulator is the second type, and commonly has traits of the 4 high-conflict personality disorders:

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
Antisocial Personality Disorder (AsPD)
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD)

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Triangulators require a willing and interactive listening party, so you can avoid becoming caught in the middle of things if you accept no third-party information or at least do not pass it along. Asking a triangulator if they’ve discussed the matter in question with the person they’re not happy with can be helpful. Suggesting that if they don’t raise the issue with the other person, they’ll never get the issue resolved can be helpful as well. That way, they can’t really complain to you any longer. Your response can always be, “Well, if you haven’t told them about it, they can’t help you with that.”

Avoid saying anything that may give them the impression that you’ll pass the information along to anyone. Make sure the triangulator knows that you’re an interpersonal “dead end” that has nothing to offer them. If doing so doesn’t stop them immediately and completely, it will at least discourage them and get them looking elsewhere for someone to put in the middle.

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Join us next time, when we’ll be discussing the four things you possess that manipulators try to gain control of.

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Fake apologies invalidate your feelings, make excuses, or imply that the problem is actually your fault.

They go by many names — fake apologies, non-apologies, insincere apologies, false apologies, and even “fauxpologies”, but phony apologies are nothing new…

Ideally, an apology comes from honest regret – the apologizer has empathy for what you felt when they did something that bothered you. They have put themselves in your shoes, imagined how hurtful what they did must have been for you, and they truly and honestly wish they’d never, ever done it – not just because of the trouble it caused, but because the apologizer has sensed your pain or inconvenience.

The fake apology, however, is different. The typical fake apologizer hasn’t really sensed what they put you through and/or does not want to take full responsibility for their actions. Though they may not like what’s happened and do want the whole affair to come to an end, they’re taking a shortcut down a back street to avoid Empathy Lane and Responsibility Road.

There are a few reasons why this could be. The person’s ability to feel empathy may literally be impaired, and/or they may be someone who has no interest in accepting responsibility for their actions. Quite a few mental disorders involve the inability to properly empathize with others and regulate emotions effectively. Narcissists (NPD) and sociopaths (AsPD) do this most often. (See links at right for more). Lastly, the false apologizer may simply be someone who was raised in an environment where such people were present, and he or she has not yet learned healthier ways of relating.

But what do the most popular fake apologies really mean? Let’s have a look…

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“I’m sorry, but…”

This false apology saves face and defends the person’s ego. Most people have delivered a false apology like this one at least once in their lives when they haven’t been able to accept the fact that they just plain messed up and let a situation get the better of them. What it’s really saying is, “Don’t think less of me for doing that, and don’t hold me responsible. It was beyond my control.”

“I’m sorry BUT” should be restated as, “I’m sorry THAT...” and followed with something that doesn’t in any way put the blame on the listener or dodge responsibility.

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“I’m sorry you feel that way/feel upset/feel hurt…” 

This fake apology really shows a big lack of empathy. The person stating it is actually apologizing to themselves for the fact that you bothered them with your feelings. What it’s really saying is, “Too bad, but it’s your fault if you think there’s anything at all wrong, and in fact, YOU’RE the one bothering ME.” It’s focusing on the wrong person’s behavior and implying that the upset person’s response is inappropriate or abnormal. It also suggests that the speaker intends to do nothing about the matter.

The healthy alternatives to “I’m sorry you feel that way” and “I’m sorry you got upset” are, “I’m sorry I made you feel that way” and “I’m sorry I upset you“.

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“I’m sorry you don’t like it…”

This person isn’t sorry in the least. They’re letting the listener know that they intend to do exactly as they please, usually because they perceive the listener as having no choice whatsoever in the matter.

“I’m sorry you don’t like it” is just a flat-out lie, and is best replaced with a mean but honest, “I’m going to do what I want, and you can’t stop me”. At least that way, people will know sooner what they’re really up against and can fight back or get away more quickly.

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“I’m sorry, but if you hadn’t…”

This is just a blame-shift to make the listener feel completely responsible for what the apologizer did. While it’s often true that both parties may have something to work on, that’s different from saying, “I did what I did wrong because you made me do it.”

A more functional alternative to “I’m sorry, but if you hadn’t…” is simply “I’m sorry.” If the listener has done something that needs addressing, that can be done without implying that the mistreated person is responsible for the apologizer’s choices.

Know the differences –

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False apologies:

• invalidate the listener’s experience or feelings
• make excuses for the apologizer
• shift the focus and responsibility off the apologizer and place them onto the listener
• imply that the listener is being unreasonable or oversensitive
• blame the listener for the matter
• often include the word “but”
• send the message that the apologizer isn’t really willing to consider the way their actions made the listener feel

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Real apologies:

• acknowledge the listener’s experience and feelings
• take responsibility without excuses
• allow both parties the opportunity to focus on the apologizer’s actions without shifting blame
• validate the experience of the listener without diminishing its importance
• do not include the word “but”
• let the listener know they have been heard and considered, and that the apologizer will try not to repeat the mistake

Join us next time. We’re discussing triangulation!

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RELATED LINKS:

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FALSE APOLOGIES – Geoff Nunberg, NPR Audio

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Trying to break free from someone who won’t let you go?

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Wanting to end a relationship with someone who keeps trying suck you back in with manipulations?

You’re being hoovered!

Some toxic people will let you leave a relationship without caring one bit. They never really cared about you, and if you don’t want to be used and abused anymore, they’re simply on to the next person before you can say, “Bye!”

Others, however…

Others hoover.

The toxic hooverer doesn’t truly care about you either — they just want to keep you around to feed on emotionally, and when you decide to go no contact, they don’t plan on letting you get away that easily.

Many hooverers have traits of borderline, narcissistic, antisocial or histrionic personality disorders. You can click the green & purple buttons to the lower right to find out if that may describe the person hoovering you. People with Dependent Personality Disorder may also hoover.

Hoovering is manipulation to gain control over your choice to distance yourself, and typically takes the following forms:

• Ignoring your requests to break off the relationship and attempting to continue on as if nothing has changed.
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• Asking you when you’re going to “get over it” and return to your past actions.
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• Sending you a fake apology to give you hope that things have changed.
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• Trying to trick you into contact by saying someone needs you, is sick, or in trouble.
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• Triangulating with others, communicating things to you through them.
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• Saying they’re worried about you, concerned about whether you’re okay, need to know where you are, etc.
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• Sending unwanted cards, messages and gifts, sometimes gifts for your children, as they know you are likely to feel guilty about keeping a gift from your kids. Don’t allow this – exposing your children to manipulation is far worse!
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• Returning old items you left behind.
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• Baiting you with drama games.
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• Contacting you about “important” things they “forgot” and suddenly have to tell you.

Don’t Fall for Hoovering Tactics

Attempts to pull you back into a toxic relationship are not valid expressions of caring and concern — they are attempts to regain control over your behavior. Beware — hoovering attempts are often disguised as caring, loneliness, hurt, desperation, fear, illness, and other things designed to play on your sympathies and pull you back. Abusers know that pulling on heartstrings works very well. (In the case of BPD, it may be simply out-of-control emotions and fear of abandonment more than an attempt to control you per se; however you will likely still feel that you are not being allowed to end a relationship you no longer want).

If your wish to end a relationship is not being honored, whatever a toxic person thinks will work best on you will be what they try, so when one angle doesn’t work, they will try another, and another, ramping up their efforts until it seems they might never stop. Typically, hoovering DOES stop if the person being hoovered does not fall for the hooverer’s tricks.

The sooner the person being hoovered completely ignores everything and does not respond to anything at all in any way, the sooner the toxic person finally understands that they do not have the control. Some toxic people may still make the occasional attempt on holidays, anniversaries of events, etc. Don’t bite the bait. Simply ignore any attempts.

If you have already made it clear that you do not want a relationship (or if it’s obvious) then DON’T ever contact the person doing the hoovering to tell them to stop again, or how angry you are. That is a reward. They will be thrilled to receive your attention and pleased to know that their efforts have paid off by snagging you, so they’ll be contacting you even more!

Harassment

If you have told someone you do not want contact, and they continue to bother you, the police can assist you. If you ever feel that someone you are trying to break off a relationship with may be capable of more than simply annoying you mildly, contact your local police for assistance. They are well-accustomed to dealing with skillful manipulators and have many smart ways of handling them, so do not hesitate to ask for help. (And remember, you have nothing to be ashamed about; you’re not the one behaving badly, and the police are there to protect you from abuse.) For more information, visit the Light’s House Harassment Page.

RELATED LINKS:

Cutting off Toxic and Abusive People

How to go “No Contact”

Writing “No Contact” Letters

Worldwide List of Domestic Violence Agencies – information in more than 80 Languages

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Do you attend dysfunctional functions? Have friends you can’t rely on? Family who doesn’t value your many contributions?

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Well, who, really,  is worthy of your time?

Nobody’s perfect. You make mistakes with family and friends — we all do. You may still be struggling with some dysfunctional patterns from upbringing, and you’re wondering when you’ll ever measure up to what you feel you should.

However, you always make your best effort, you stand by your friends and family, and you look at your behavior, even when it’s not-so-good. You are able to try recognizing things you need to change, and if you do something insensitive, you acknowledge it and make amends.

What about the other side of the equation, though? Are you receiving the same? Are you always the first to apologize or forgive? Usually the only one who acknowledges your part in a conflict? The only one trying to make things work?

But, enough about you…

Stop for a minute and think about someone else. Pick somebody you think needs a little looking at. Now check out this list of three key things to consider when evaluating relationships:

1. Do you feel consistently cared about by this person? Or are there times when you are left guessing, or scrambling to earn their good graces, or feeling “just not good enough” for them?

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2. Do they honestly acknowledge their responsibilities in disagreements? Can they genuinely apologize, without being made to?

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3. Do they sometimes view you as “competition”? Does it feel like they sometimes treat you as their enemy?

The above behaviors are most characteristic of the following 4 personality disorders:

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
Antisocial Personality Disorder (AsPD)
Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD)

With the exception of BPD, these disorders are not highly treatable, so it’s a good idea to look much more closely at the behaviors of any person for whom you answered yes on a question above — and carefully reconsider how much time you are spending in their presence.

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If you have been exposed to frightening experiences, either in childhood or as an adult, and you have suffered from some of the things on the list below, today’s subject is for you!

Are you a survivor of a traumatic experience? Have you ever been assaulted, threatened, or otherwise made to feel unsafe?

Have you experienced any of the following since that time?

• Flashbacks
• Nightmares
• Depression
• Emotional numbness
• Hopelessness
• Memory and concentration problems
• Difficulty maintaining close relationships
• Irritability or anger
• Overwhelming guilt or shame
• Hearing or seeing things that aren’t there
• Self-destructive behavior
• Trouble sleeping
• Being easily startled by things like sudden noises

These are potential symptoms of PTSD (or Complex PTSD, which results from repeated psychological stress).

Until fairly recently, treatment for PTSD wasn’t very effective and took a long time. But in 1987, a particularly observant psychologist discovered something big…

Dr. Francine Shapiro was taking a walk in the park one day and noticed that if she moved her eyes back and forth while thinking about things that bothered her, she felt better. She developed a breakthrough treatment that works in as little as a single session, and things have never been the same for people who have been exposed to trauma.

The treatment is called EMDR, which stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. EMDR is simple, fast, effective, easy to access, and is a fraction of the cost of traditional long-term therapy for PTSD symptoms. When the brain is imaged immediately after an EMDR treatment, the changes in the brain are immediate, visible and permanent.

In order to receive EMDR for the symptoms of trauma, all you need is an EMDR-trained therapist. The EMDR therapist will give you something to use so that your brain will be functioning on both sides alternately. (They may have you watch a moving object with your eyes or hold two small, alternately vibrating objects, one in each hand, while talking about and recalling your experiences.) This causes the brain to use both sides while processing the memory, and it begins to quickly and permanently  release the brain from the pattern of stressful reaction it has been stuck in since the experience, removing the awful symptoms of the trauma once and for all.

Sound good? Want to see what it looks like? Want to know where to find a therapist who does it?

Okay, here you go –

• Steven Carey’s Story

• Four therapists talk about EMDR, how well it works, and why you may be interested in trying it
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• Where to get a therapist who offers EMDR

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There’s virtually no such thing as a healthy, functional family that has one narcissist in it.  Pathological narcissism is a family affair…

Social scientists know that narcissism runs in families. They haven’t quite figured out all the ins and outs of precisely why and how yet, but it does. When the typical relative of a narcissist finally realizes what’s wrong with their distressing family member, a nearly inescapable realization soon follows – there is actually more than one narcissist, often several.

Narcissists are neither cooperative nor considerate. They want things their way, and they tolerate little else. This means that the behavior of the entire narcissistic family is shaped and controlled by the constant presence of its narcissists and all of their unhealthy narcissistic demands. Neglected and engulfed children dance fearfully around their impetuous, controlling and self-centered parents, siblings struggle with boundaries and power balances, never having learned their true worth, and non-narcissistic parents are distraught by the obvious narcissism they see in one of their children but not the other. Genuine apologies in narcissistic families are rare to non-existent, children are mistreated according to what pleases the narcissists best, and the family culture is typically one of looking good on the outside while hiding the uglier reality of the distorted inside at all cost.

Because the narcissistic family’s structure is controlled by those family members who are narcissistic and wish to make all the others satisfy their wishes and unhealthy needs, deviations from the narcissistic desires present aren’t tolerated — boundaries aren’t respected, and unreasonable responses are the norm. I have often described the narcissistic family as a “tiny cult” whose non-narcissistic members are expected to believe, do, have and be only what the narcissistic family members in power want them to believe, do have and be. Other thoughts and actions are not rewarded – or worse, harshly condemned.

Relying heavily on standard dysfunctional family roles such as scapegoat and golden child, the typical narcissistic family rarely produces anything else other than narcissists and co-narcissists. Members of narcissistic families must be carefully kept from recognizing important things such as their own worth, true identities and deepest wishes. When these things are recognized, felt, honored and understood, they empower people and make them impervious to narcissistic abuse. Consequently, narcissists must work diligently to prevent the ones they know from coming into contact with these concepts in order to protect their established sources of the most convenient narcissistic supply – friends and family.

The most commonly recommended course of action for dealing with narcissistic abuse is reduction or elimination of contact; however, members of the narcissistic family who manage to accept that there’s something wrong and take action are in the minority by far. This is because all members of a narcissistic family were given the same message thousands, if not millions of times since birth…

“…you have to put up with this; you have no choice, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

The few who break free and heal themselves are the ones who somehow come to recognize the above for what it truly is – nothing more than a mere lie.

Show Me the Narcissistic Parent Survival Kit!

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The Narcissistic Parent

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Requiring difficult people to go to therapy as a condition of continuing a relationship with you can make all the difference.

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So, you’re trying to reduce your level of contact with someone who you think may not be that good for you, but they want to keep the relationship. They’re pulling you back in and bargaining with you even though they mistreat you, you’re feeling confused and guilty, and you’re even doubting your thoughts and feelings.

You know you want space, but every time they talk to you, your clear head goes out the window and you feel your confidence about what you want and need deteriorating. They may deny there’s anything wrong and try to convince you that everything’s fine, or worse — all your fault. They might be telling you how much they need you and making promises you’re not entirely sure they’ll keep.

You may also be getting told you shouldn’t feel the way you do, and you may be told everything’s fine – that the problem is all in your head, so stop acting crazy and go back to the old you. Despite the fact that this person wants a relationship with you, you’re not sure they’re capable of making an effort to resolve the issues you’re concerned about. They tell you they love you, but they don’t seem to be making your happiness a priority. And although you don’t want to give up on someone too easily, you’re just not sure how easy “too easily” is. You feel confused.

Enter the Magic Therapy Ultimatum…

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In healthy relationships, if you have concerns about how someone treats you, the other party, whether family, partner or friend, cares enough to address them – period. Results may take a while; however, genuine effort will be made.

Toxic and problematic people do things like make false apologies and gaslight all the time. A quick and easy way to determine whether the person in question really wants a relationship with you is to tell them that if they want to continue the relationship, they will need work on the issue you’re concerned about in therapy. No therapy, no relationship – their choice. If you’re dealing with someone who is having challenges but is willing to work on them and isn’t lying when they say they care about you and want to keep their relationship with you, they’ll go. If not, your concerns were well-founded.

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A summary of important points

to remember about smear campaigns:

• Smear campaigns are typically conducted against people who have stood up against some form of unfairness, abuse, or entitlement.

• Narcissists are highly active smear campaigners, and those with other “high conflict” cluster B personality disorders such as AsPD, BPD and HPD are prone to smearing others.

• A smear campaign involves lies, exaggerations, and cultivation of mistrust toward the victim.

• Smear campaigners insinuate that the victim is mentally ill, unreasonable, incompetent, untrustworthy, or abusive.

• Smear campaigners typically play on the sensibilities of others, using people’s empathy and morals to turn people against their victims – most often for having done nothing more than disagree with the smearer.

• A smear campaigner prefers to make others think they are good people who are rightfully standing up against the victim’s supposed immorality or abuse.

• Smear campaigners play the victim, the hero, or both.

• Smear campaigners try to ostracize their victims and make them feel alone, unpopular, and unsupported by others.

• Smear campaigners enjoy the feeling of having “gotten back at” their victims, and believe it is completely justifiable – even fun – to mistreat someone for having an opinion that is different from theirs.

• Smear campaigners do not acknowledge the wrong they do, and cannot typically be expected to genuinely confess or apologize — even after they’ve been proven liars.

• Do not speak to smear campaigners unless it’s completely impossible not to. If you DO have to speak to the smearer, do so only in the presence of others and in copied emails/properly documented letters. Plan ahead to prevent being put in difficult positions by the smear campaigner.

• Lastly, remember that you do have the right to make fair and healthy requests, and if you are smeared as a result, smearing is an unreasonable and unacceptable response.

This is the last in our 5-part series about smear campaigns. To start at part 1, click here.

You are visiting Light’s Blog. The rest of Light’s House is here.

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For information about workplace bullying, visit bullyonline.org

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If you should become the subject of a smear campaign, you may find the following practices to be helpful in reducing or eliminating the damage.

1. Immediately discontinue speaking to the smear campaigner.

If you can’t possibly do this because it’s a work situation, limit the time spent talking to this person alone as much as humanly possible. Abusers lie and manipulate, and prefer to have all their conversations with their victims when the victim is without the benefit of witnesses. Abusive people don’t like witnesses, so avoid being alone with them at all cost. That’s when the abuse will be at its worst, and that’s when you’ll say the things they will cruelly twist into lies later. Deliberately approach them to have any unavoidable conversations in public, while standing in line at the water cooler, in a busy hall, while in a vehicle with others, or in a packed elevator. They may attempt to weasel out of the conversation by suggesting you have it later, in their office, at their house, or another isolated environment. Avoid this by cutting comments down into very small pieces. For instance, don’t ask what the plan is for the big sales project while flying by their door. That’s a conversation for later, when the two of you will be sitting down alongside Jane (surprise!) whom you thoughtfully arranged to have join you to help take notes. Right now, as you race by their office, you just need to know “one quick thing”. If you’re invited into a more lengthy discussion, let them know you’re rushing and you’ll get back to them. Then carefully plan that interaction, too, or they’ll take the upper hand.

2. Put things in writing.

One of the great benefits of the electronic age is, we can have an instant and verified copy of every piece of correspondence we send. If you absolutely must speak to the smear campaigner and you have the option of saying whatever you need to say in writing, do it. Having a record of exactly what has been said by you is invaluable protection against distortions and misrepresentation. Blind Carbon Copy (BCC) what you send to the smear campaigner to a third party whenever possible. When writing the content of the correspondence, do not say anything you would not want everyone to read. If you do, it’s guaranteed that everyone will soon be reading it (or what’s left of it after the smear campaigner’s creative “editing” work).

3. Know the lay of the land, and act accordingly.

If the abuser is a coworker, you have two options: sit down with management or leave the position. If the abuser is a supervisor, you can approach senior management, however you may still have to leave the employer (or at least that particular role). If the abuser is a family member, your options are similar: approach others to see if you can get support, and stop seeing abusive/unsupportive members. Unfortunately, the great majority of families in which there is an abuser are not at all supportive of members who demand that the abuse stop, and members of these families often turn against the abused member. Dysfunctional families are irrational and incapable of meeting requests for healthy boundaries, and no contact with some or all of the family may be your only option. If your work environment is similarly dysfunctional and the abuse is not seen through, not looked into, or you’re not taken seriously, then the problem, like with abusive families, is a deeper and more systemic one, and leaving will be your best option, no matter how much you may have wanted to keep the job otherwise.

This is the fourth in a five-part series about the smear campaigns of toxic abusers. To start from part 1, click here. To read part 5, click here.

You are visiting Light’s Blog. The rest of Light’s House is here.

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The smear campaigner must work to make people believe them. They will put on a good face, agree with their listeners and feign integrity and kindness.

Carefully tending to his or her image as an innocent and upstanding whistleblower who is bravely speaking up against evil is a necessary part of the smear campaigner’s plan. Whether smear campaigners claim to be your victim or just a conscientious bystander (or both), they know that being seen as “the good one” fools the most people possible.

This is a righteous and brave warrior of truth – not someone who is having a tantrum because you got in their way when they were doing something wrong. This is not a cowardly tyrant who is seething with revenge — certainly not. This is just a decent person who is bravely trying to help others by spreading the word to be careful and avoid a monster of an abuser – you!

Smear campaigners may claim that they don’t want to say anything bad about anyone, and that it’s “not like them”, but they just have to say something about you in order help good people snuff out your supposed evil. They must break with their usual humble moral humility in order to step up and save the decent people of the world by finally exposing the truth about you that nobody has ever known!

Of course, it’s not the truth; it’s a smear campaign. But most everybody wants to support a person who has been hurt by someone abusive and will rush to their defense, so that’s the role the smear campaigner often plays — the good and innocent victim-hero. Smear campaigners play on the sympathies of others, using people’s empathy to gain social leverage against their victims.

Most smear campaigners are highly narcissistic, and narcissists cannot ever be expected to apologize, come clean or admit any wrongdoing, even if caught red-handed in their lies. They truly believe, in their own way, that a smear campaign is the right thing to do to you, because you have opposed them, and you should have known better than to do such an unthinkable thing, so it’s simply all your fault they’re smearing you anyhow. They’re teaching you a lesson — agree with whatever they want, or else. You “asked for it”, and they’re teaching you better.

Smear campaigners are like spoiled playground bullies who kick another child when the teacher’s back is turned, just because the child doesn’t give them whatever they want. They cannot be made to empathize, and they are well-practiced in their abusive games, because they have been playing them all their lives. Join us tomorrow, when we’ll be discussing a list of ways to counter smear campaigns.

This is part 3 of a 5-part series on smear campaigns. To start from part 1, click here. To go ahead to part 4, click here.

You are visiting Light’s Blog. The rest of Light’s House is here.

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For information about workplace bullying, visit bullyonline.org

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SMEAR CAMPAIGN TACTICS:

Discredit & isolate the victim
Play the victim and/or hero
Lie-exaggerate-manipulate
Manufacture fear
Label the victim inferior
Hurt the victim for spite

The difficulty with saying no to toxic people is that they are already hazardous. After all, if they weren’t toxic, you wouldn’t have had to say no to them in the first place. Most abusers simply want what they want and will not be denied without unleashing a torrent of phony martyrdom and vicious slander all about you and how you are an abuser. Their story will be warped, slanted and twisted until there’s not one atom of truth left in it.

Lies will be sprinkled in to try making their audience fear, prejudge and rebuke you for the supposed evil you’ve perpetrated against this innocent lamb (or a vulnerable, well-respected person). You didn’t ask for your boundaries to be respected — you are a vicious animal who attacked them, and you’ve supposedly attacked others, so everyone needs to “be careful” of you if they want to be “safe”. Everyone should stand up on behalf of this good person by shutting you out and standing up against your “abuse”.

If the the abuser is a coworker, they will try to get you into trouble or fired; if they are related to you, they will attempt to have you kicked out of the family or to make you feel left out. You must be marginalized and cut off from the pack so you will be left feeling weak and alone. It is the payback the smear campaigner exacts for the fact that you got in their way. They want you sorry you were ever born, and they know how much it will hurt you to be shunned and turned against, and how powerless you will feel without the assistance of others.

The smear campaigner must see to it that anyone they are telling these lies to is “kept sweet”, and they will play the good one, the nice helpful one, the innocent one who is only trying to warn people of how secretly evil you supposedly are when nobody’s looking. They’re doing their coworkers, the family, or society a grand favor by bravely speaking out against your misdeeds and righting a wrong. They cleverly play the friendly everyday good person who is upstanding, supportive and likeable, just like the people they’re trying to reel in. They would never do anything wrong or unlikeable, not them.

The smear campaigner needs to make their audience think they are a perfectly innocent person who was shockingly blindsided by your supposed evil, unreasonability, overemotionality or mental instability. Smear campaigners’  goals are to create mistrust of you, fear of you, and condemnation of you. If they think their audience may not swallow the lie that they have done absolutely nothing to contribute to the matter, they may admit that they have done something very minor, but that your response to it is outrageously unreasonable (or completely incompetent).

Popular lies of the smear campaigner include statements and insinuations that you are mentally ill, incompetent, untrustworthy or unreasonable. The smear campaigner does this so that if your legitimate upset shows, the observer will attribute it to irrationality, ill intent or instability, and not to your normal upset at having been badly mistreated.

Most people who use smear campaigns have several things in common. Join us tomorrow, when we’ll look at the profile and behaviors of the typical smear campaigner.

This is part 2 of a 5-part series on smear campaigns. To start at part 1, click here. To go ahead to part 3, click here.

You are visiting Light’s Blog. The rest of Light’s House is here.
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When healthy people feel upset about something, they may get angry. But toxic people don’t just get mad – they seethe – and wage a devious smear campaign.

One of the clearest indicators you’ve got a mentally unstable person on your hands is smear campaigning. Smear campaigners carefully and strategically use lies, exaggerations, suspicions and false accusations to try destroying your credibility. They hide behind a cloak of upstanding heroism and feigned innocence in an attempt to make as many people as possible think their efforts are based not on their vindictiveness, but on upstanding concern.

As a smeared person, what you are most likely “guilty” of is saying no to someone who is, in some way, failing to respect your boundaries, refusing to follow the same rules as everyone else, or someone who is spreading toxicity and manipulating. Someone entitled. Someone sneaky and vindictive. Someone who is hurting you or taking too much.

While standing up for yourself is the right thing to do, toxic people simply don’t believe you have any right to refuse their mistreatment, and they will set out to “punish” you for having any opinions that differ from theirs.

Virtually all smear campaigners can be counted on to have traits of “Cluster B” personality disorders. Narcissists and sociopaths are among the most virulent smear campaigners, and histrionic and borderline people may also opt to smear those who upset them. Not surprisingly, these four disorders are classified as the “dramatic and erratic” high-conflict personalities.

Narcissists can fly into a vindictive narcissistic rage if questioned instead of receiving compliance with their demands. Sociopaths often have anger management issues and are driven solely by their own wishes, without regard for the rights of others or for consequences. Histrionic people create drama and conflict wherever possible, and they require little to no incentive to do so. People with borderline personality disorder have difficulty controlling their emotional reactions, and may become intensely angered by what others interpret to be minor matters.

Regardless of the reason for the smearing, all smear campaigns work virtually the same way, following a very predictable pattern of the usual dirty tricks and underlying motives. Tomorrow we’ll take a look at the anatomy of the smear campaign.

This is part 1 in a 5 part series on smear campaigns. For part 2, click here.

You are visiting Light’s Blog. The rest of Light’s House is here.

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For information about workplace bullying, visit bullyonline.org

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Where you can find help with blocking out and cutting off toxic people…

Most abusive people just don’t know when to quit. (Maybe it’s because it’s getting harder to find a good doormat these days, with everyone going to therapy and talking to their inner children).

If you’re in an abusive relationship, at some point, you may want to cut contact. The first and most important thing to remember when eliminating contact with an abusive person is this:

If you feel you may be in any kind of danger, or if you have even a slight hint of concern that the person is capable of hurting someone, then the one and only right answer is to talk to the police about your safety.

But if you don’t feel your safety may be a concern, then you’ll probably just opt for things like “no contact” — blocking your phone and text messages, throwing out any messages unread, unfriending them on FaceBook, and avoiding going to places where you know they may turn up.

If you need help reducing or eliminating contact with someone, there are lots of organizations dedicated to preventing harassment and unwelcome contact, and their sites have excellent free information and resources. There are also things available for your computer and online to help you protect yourself.

The following links can help you get everything squared away:

How to Protect Yourself on FaceBook

How to Block Your Phone

How to Block Unwanted Text Messages

Block emails by computer address (not just by email addresses)

How to Erase Your Computer’s Internet Viewing History

How to Password Protect Your Computer

Get a Nice Free History Eraser for Your Computer

Reduce or Stop Contact and Write No Contact Letters

Keep your children out of the middle of your divorce.
Help with online harassment:

WHOA (Working to Halt Online Abuse)

WiredSafety

Cyberangels

If you have filed a police report, the Project SAFE team will install new locks and/or cylinders in your doors. Call them at 866.689.HELP (4357) to set up an appointment.

If you need something these groups and websites don’t offer, just ask them who does. They will know where to send you. If you do not receive the help you need, keep persisting until someone assists you.

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It’s extremely hard, if not completely impossible, to find a bad parent who does not have at least some personality disorder traits. Looking over a list of the most common kinds of things toxic parents do can help clarify the issue.

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The behaviors of toxic parents generally fall into 4 categories:

• Physical abuse
• Emotional abuse (including controlling, verbal abuse, etc.)
• Sexual abuse
• Neglect due to disinterest/lack of a sense of responsibility
  

Each of the above has strong connections to characteristics of several personality disorders.

For instance, controlling parents often have either narcissistic traits or traits of obsessive-compulsive personality disorder. Nothing a narcissist’s child does is good enough, because the narcissistic parent needs to feel superior to his or her child. Nothing an OCPD parent’s child does is good enough, because the OCPD parent is stuck on obsessing over perfection and details. Both are likely to control their children as a result.

Abusive and neglectful parents are highly likely, if not guaranteed, to lack a normal amount of empathy, which is characteristic of quite a few personality disorders, most notably Antisocial Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Abusive treatment may also often be seen in Borderline Personality Disorder and Histrionic Personality Disorder.

Neglectful parents are often disinterested in their children and unempathic. If a parent can empathize properly with their child, they feel bad if they don’t visit the school to see the child’s science project or make sure their child has warm boots in the winter. But parents who lack a normal amount of empathy simply don’t tune into such things. The kid will take care of him or herself, they figure. They’ll live. They’ll get over it. It’s “no big deal”.

Many abusive, toxic and neglectful parents struggle with addiction, and underlying personality issues can contribute to substance abuse problems. Addictions are characteristic of Borderline Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder, and narcissists have higher than average rates of alcoholism. People with personality disorders are also more likely than average to have other mental disorders.

If you have been dealing with a toxic or difficult parent, you owe it to yourself to carefully look into personality disorders — especially the personality disorders that are currently classified as “cluster B” personality disorders.

These are:

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD)
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
Antisocial Personality Disorder (AsPD)

If a parent you know is controlling, it’s also a good idea to check out the cluster B Personality Disorders and Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder, which is in cluster C. (This is not the same disorder as OCD — It’s OCPD).

If you are involved with a toxic or difficult parent, a little investigation into personality disorders is a must. You’ll likely be very surprised at what you may find.

You can check out descriptions of all these disorders and more at Light’s House cluster B and cluster C support pages:

http://www.lightshouse.org/cluster-b-support.html

http://www.lightshouse.org/cluster-c-support.html

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Narcissists gravitate toward certain professions — typically the ones in which they are given a lot of power and admiration for being the good, strong and knowledgeable ones who have power over people…

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The following is a list of the kinds of professions and positions the narcissist prefers:

Doctor or Nurse

Lawyer

Religious Leader

Teacher

Psychotherapist

Police officer

Life Coach

Supervisor

Politician

Scout Leader

Child Protection Worker

Security Guard

Athletics coach

Volunteer positions in which they play “Selfless Saint, the Hero Rescuer”

While of course, many people in these positions are not narcissistic, many narcissistic people are in these positions. These roles offer plenty of power over others, and lots of narcissistic supply for pretending to be a leader, an authority, or a rescuer.

Unfortunately, narcissists in these occupations and pastimes are often not actually providing what they’re supposed to be providing — real protection, assistance, and leadership. They’re just there for the power. While their non-narcissistic coworkers work to the benefit of those they intend to serve, the narcissist is doing little more than enjoying the associated power and scouring their work environment for sources of narcissistic supply, manipulating, devaluing, gaslighting and shirking responsibility for the games they play.

Because these kinds of occupations come with power, the people they mistreat may feel they have to accept the abuse they’re being dealt – either because it’s seemingly “no use” to stand up, because the person is in such a powerful and authoritative position, or because they simply feel intimidated by the unfair options the narcissist has at his or her disposal if angered. It can feel much more difficult to stand up to an abusive member of the clergy, for instance, than the church janitor. Many people still consider those in certain professions to be above questioning, and this is something narcissists enjoy taking full advantage of.

Narcissists in these positions can do a tremendous amount of damage, and it’s important to stand up against any mistreatment, but confronting a narcissist is 100% guaranteed to make a serious mess — narcissists are highly vindictive and dishonest, and they have long memories.

So…what else might work? Consider the following three practices:

1. Bring your concerns to someone who has more power than the narcissist

Whenever possible, contacting a supervisor, board member or senior partner instead of dealing with the narcissist directly can be very helpful. Though there are no guarantees you’ll be assisted, you will stand a much greater chance of resolving the matter through a powerful third party than you ever could by confronting the narcissist singly. It also helps to have a witness in a position of authority oversee any discussion, because confronting narcissists makes them smear and abuse you. If a more powerful third party is present when you discuss the narcissist’s unacceptable behavior, the third party will easily understand that the narcissist’s smearing is an unfair response to a fair complaint and will be far less likely to believe the narcissist’s lies about you. Avoiding one-to-one contact with the narcissist as much as possible and not asking the narcissist to care are key to preventing further narcissistic abuse. Bringing your concerns about a narcissist’s behavior to a narcissist alone only provides more tools with which to hurt you. You cannot make a narcissist care; you can only make them angry.

2. Educate people about the disorder

The general public thinks a narcissist is someone who is merely vain. Providing a copy of the clinical description of NPD will go a long way in terms of helping those who have power over the narcissist see what is wrong. This should be done in advance of any meetings about the narcissist’s behavior. Plenty is available here at Light’s House — feel free to share the specific addresses of any pages you think may help.

3. Reduce or eliminate contact

The more time you spend around an emotionally abusive person, the more emotional abuse you will be exposed to. If you are dealing with a narcissist, reduce the amount of time you spend with them as much as possible — especially time spent alone with them. Whenever a narcissist is displeased with you (this happens at the drop of a hat) everything you say and do will be distorted and used against you, so say and do as little as possible in the narcissist’s presence in order to reduce the odds of their attacks.

See the Narcissistic Parent Survival Kit Here!

Descriptions of narcissists and narcissistic behaviors are available at Light’s House: All About Narcissists

Learn how smear campaigns work here.

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And why do they do it…

There are 3 kinds of controlling people:

People who try to control others for the power.
People who try to control others because they’re highly anxious.
People who try to control others for both reasons.

Power Controllers

Power controllers like to push other people around. Controlling others satisfies their need to feel superior and capable of getting whatever they want. They ignore the needs and feelings of others, and they are driven solely by their own desires. They lack empathy and view others as inferior or burdensome. Power controllers are often narcissistic or sociopathic.

Anxious Controllers

Anxious Controllers are nervous types who obsess over small matters, to the point of feeling they have to control everything, often including others. They have difficulty sharing power out of the fear that delegating tasks will lead to inferior results. Minor details loom large in the mind of the anxious controller, and they typically have difficulty with things like finishing things on time and accepting imperfection. Anxious controllers often have Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD). Not to be confused with OCD, OCPD is the most common personality disorder. Roughly 8% of people have OCPD, and it is moderately treatable with therapy.

Note: While this article focuses on the toxic/personality disordered controller, control issues that are caused by dysfunctional childhoods and/or anxiety disorders are also common, and these are successfully treatable with skilled assistance. Seek the help of a qualified therapist to resolve any such issues.

Anxious/Power Controllers

Rarer than the above types, the combination Anxious/Power controller is a mix of the above two descriptions, controlling for both the satisfaction of their ego or personal gain, sometimes for reasons of perfectionism and need to have things a certain way.

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RELATED LINKS:
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• Are You a Control Freak? Take This Quiz!

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• For people with OCPD and their loved ones: OCPD Online Support

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• For adult children of narcissistic, sociopathic and OCPD Parents: Light’s House

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