Aug 11
9

Control Your Life

.

Power takes many forms, but it always falls into one of just four categories…

.

Maintaining control of your life is the most essential element of preventing people from abusing you. But what does it really mean to be “in control of your life”?

There are lots of things you can’t control. It may pour on your wedding day, you might not be hired after interviewing for the job you hoped for, and even the name you were given at birth is not a name you chose. July temperatures rise and carefully baked souffles fall.

Be that as it may, there are four key forms that personal power takes, and having control of these is absolutely critical if you want to avoid unhealthy relationships and have healthy ones…

The Four Personal Powers
.
Your Mind – your thoughts and all the information that affects them.

Your Money – your money and all your other possessions of monetary value.

Your Minutes – your time and your right to use it freely, as you choose.

Your Means – your access to all the things that empower you. These include the controlling of things like food, clothing, shelter, education, transportation, supportive friends, things you love or enjoy, and everything else that aids you in getting all your needs and wishes met.

These are the four things that you and only you have the right to control. Attempts by anyone to control of any of your four basic personal powers is a red flag, and should be carefully looked into and addressed. Keeping an eye on areas where people may overstep these boundaries is a must.

Here are a few examples of situations in which the above four powers are misused:

You are left out of the family communication loop by an angry, controlling parent who is displeased when you do not do their bidding. (MIND)

Your partner works a different shift from you and insists on taking the one car you share with them to work all day, stranding you at home during your time off unnecessarily. (MEANS)

Your boss expects you to take a “working lunch” at your desk despite company policy to the contrary. (MINUTES)

Your sibling misallocates your contribution to the family fund that is set up to help care for an elderly relative. (MONEY)

The Four Personal Powers are about setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. Keeping a close eye on these powers goes a long way in terms of identifying which behaviors you should put limits on and which people you may need to limit or eliminate contact with.

Join us next time – we’re discussing critical and judgmental behavior.

Control Freaks

Things Your Therapist Shouldn't Do

OCPD at Work

Tags: abuse, boundaries, control, controlling, controlling people, employment, family, healthy relationships, influence, no contact, personal power, power, power trip, relationship, supervisor

This entry was posted on August 9, 2011 at 9:10 pm. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

Posted in Boundaries Dealing With Toxic People Overcoming Exposure to Toxic People Psychology Things Toxic People Do by Light 2 Comments

Kim says:

December 22, 2011 at 6:02 pm

My uncle in law threatens us when we don’t do what he wants – he will tell us if we don’t go out with him on a Friday night, he’ll never as us again. Do what I want, or else attitude. A sense of superiority. He wants everyone to change their plans and do what he wants, because what he does is far more important than what anyone else can possibly be doing.

My mother in law has ignored us for a year, refused to come over to our home, because we didn’t attend a distant family members wedding out of state (we couldn’t afford it at the time, money wise or vacation time).

We were pressured by my in laws to purchase a home when that wasn’t part of our pre-wedding plans for our future. We were then pressured because we got a dog after we purchased our home because THEY don’t want us having a dog (because of the expense). We are more than capable of taking care of the dog both financially and time wise.

I am not allowed to cook on my own stove when my in laws are around. They physically push me out of the way, and then use the excuse that they are helping no matter how often I say no. They want to control everything I do and how I do it. They micromanage me constantly.

When my mother was dying of cancer, the grandmother in law complained for 15 minutes straight on a phone call that I wasn’t spending a holiday with them, rather than with my dying mother. If this isn’t narcissism and controlling behavior, I don’t know what is. Me, me, me, me, me…..

Toxic and controlling people without any consideration for others whatsoever.

If I want to drive my own car to an event and don’t drive with them, I am scolded and told, “this is what REAL famillies do” — as if having a sense of independence makes me any less of a family member.

Light says:

January 22, 2012 at 4:45 pm
If I want to drive my own car to an event and don’t drive with them, I am scolded and told, “this is what REAL famillies do” — as if having a sense of independence makes me any less of a family member.

Oh, independence = not real? Must remember that. In all honesty, that comment is just narcissists’ way of pronouncing, “We feel rejected, and we’re sorry if we’ve done anything to offend you.”

Narcissists talk kinda “funny”.