I also recommend Out of the Fog, where you can get support for having AsPD/NPD family members: http://outofthefog.net/forum/index.php

Your family sounds unbearable. You don’t have to stay in contact with them if you don’t want to. Your lack of ambition might well be depression (which many Aspies struggle with anyhow) and if your family is abusive, then it would be very understandable if you weren’t feeling happy and motivated. Being around abusive people IS depressing!

I think the most painful thing is, a lot of siblings and family members outside of my hubby and kids, KNOW what really going on, but they chose to play to the tune of him.

That’s classic. If you haven’t checked out “The Narcissistic Family“, it will explain that issue. The narcissists in a family are the ones who pull all the strings (no matter how that may be politely covered up at times). Non-narcissistic family members *must* dance to the narcissistic family’s tune, or people in the family will come after them (not just the narcissists/s).

You’re right, it is a very long journey, but it’s well worth taking, I think, and once you know what it was, you really start picking up speed, because you finally know why nothing ever got better!

And, you’ve got your validation that yes, something was very wrong, and no, not with you!

I also realize I need to direct my precious time to people that are supportive and kind, and to learn to open my heart to them, and to give back.

That’s it, right there! You said it. And if you keep going, it gets easier every day.

I really appreciate the kind words, and I’m very glad you’ve found your way to the resources you’ve wanted!

I am late 40’s and the daughter (one of four) of a NM, the “ignoring” type. Father has OCPD issues (and severe OCD) and is enabling – he will always support NM no matter what. I was the GC who worked tirelessly to please, but have always remained friends with one of the SGs in my family, another sibling. SG has made many accomplishments in life and career, despite intense putdowns from rest of family. Over time, I rebelled little by little and forged a strong and supportive friendship with SG. I gradually went LC with family, SG went NC for several years after a fight. NM and father engaged in intense hoovering with SG, who has let them have LC for now. NM is very threatened by the friendship between SG and I. I now understand the triangulation that was going on for so long.

Our NM is very intelligent, and does something I call “modified gaslighting”, or revising history. NM has had many instances of going into narcissistic rages (in fact, I suspect a BPD or Bipolar element – bipolar runs on that side of the family), but tries to cover them up by telling a revised version of the story to the family member that wasn’t there, significantly watering down her behavior in her edited version. She can’t eliminate the story entirely, because there’s too many witnesses, so she whitewashes it to the maximum extent possible. SG and I have a good laugh as we compare notes later, for situations where one of us was there but the other not. It must be really important to NM to do this revision, because she tells the same revised stories, of incidents from years ago, over and over, watching us carefully to see if we buy it. I’ve become a master at the blank and noncommittal expression.

Money is NM’s biggest concern, and NM and father use money all the time for control – dangling it to effect behavior, even taking SG’s name off a joint account “because SG made me mad”, threats to eliminate a child from the will. Some of it is overt, but a lot of it is quite subtle, which makes it more confusing and insidious. Several gifts I’ve received I now see have come with enormous strings attached. I am considering giving some of them back just to cut the strings, or selling/donating the items and dealing with whatever fallout may occur.

To add to the complex picture, my youngest sibling is developmentally disabled. I now see that while I believe they “love” him, as best they are able to love, they also USE him to gain admiration, pity, special treatment, financial benefits, and control over the other siblings (“You need to do this because it’s for X”). I am torn because parents want me to take a guardian role for care of X, and I do care for X, but I know that they would want to control every aspect of that care, and it would become a means to control and manipulate ME big time. That would be hell on earth.

I see now how my own warped sense of family life contributed to my hesitation to have children early on. I finally tried too late, but was unable to conceive. I know that I missed out on a great experience, but now I also understand much more about why. I feel they robbed me of having my own family, by emphasizing my educational and career (i.e., MONEY) achievement over anything else. NM never, not once, asked about my plans for children. She certainly never encouraged any family of my own, because that would make me less available to cater to her and my father, and to take care of my disabled brother.

I also understand better why I have trouble forging close friendships. I have to excel, and I push people away because I try to be the best, (shades of NM) and also because people may let me down or may hurt me. Just knowing this has helped so much. I can begin to see a path forward, one that helps me realize that it is okay to make room for supportive, positive people to enter my life, and that the richness of that experience is worth the risk of possible heartache.

My husband and I are now in a transition period of our lives, and I sensed the unresolved issues from childhood creeping back up, which led me to my search, which led me to this blog. Thank you, thank you, for everything you have done. It opened my eyes, and has helped me realize I need to finally let go of any remaining hope and expectation that they might ever change. I also realize I need to direct my precious time to people that are supportive and kind, and to learn to open my heart to them, and to give back. I have a long journey ahead, but I finally have a compass. Thank you again.

A real apology includes real empathy and regret, and a willingness to actually work through the whole issue. I think it’s very wise of you not to accept anything less.

Thanks for the kind words, and yeah — no letting people off that easily.